What if your family is not excited for your wedding?

July 7th, 2011

My fiancee proposed to me this past weekend, late one night. I called my dad who stays up late to share the news, which he was suprised but genuine. but I did not call my mom to share the news right away, I figured I would do it in the morning. I posted it on facebook that night, along with a pic of my ring. The next morning I saw that my mom commented “congrats guys” on there, along with alot more people who seemed happy for me. However later that day when I called to talk to her about my tax info and sisters pregnancy, she didn’t even mention my engagement or say congrats or anythin to that effect. Wasn’t excited in the least bit.
Most moms want to start planning iwth their daughter right away or giggle over the reality of it. Instead she avoided it completely. Deep down I know why: its all about money to her. My fiancee doesnt have a job right now and she knows that I’m struggling to pay my bills. However he is actively looking and will have one soon enough. Besides that fact, I love him with all my heart and I’m so happy we have found each other becaues I can’t wait to spend my life with him.
Why can’t she just be happy that I found someone that is finally “the one?” yeah, no one is perfect, and money issues stress me out to, but there is so much more to life than that. Its like she won’t be happy with my choice unless he’s got a college degree and makes 80 grand. I dont’ care about that, I am very attracted to my smart, skillful fiancee.
I just want her to be excited to and to help me plan. How should I approach the situation, I want her to be included but I dont’ want someone thats gonna be making snarky comments about things. I also plan to ask for her help with money (whatever they are willing to offer i will be thankful for) but her husband just lost his job, so I am guessing I’ll get the “well. your stepdad just lost his job so i don’t think its wise if we help you out”. It makes me wanna cry that my own mom isn’t happy for me 🙁
I would have called her then and there, but it was late, 10:00 pm, which she goes to bed very early. And I was super excited, the pressure from my fiancee to call everyone and let them know was getting to me so I called who I could and posted it on facebook. I guess its a result of being in the “i want it now” generation, like we can’t wait to tell everyone even if it is by the internet. I understand your point of her being hurt by posting it before telling her so maybe she is hurt too. I am just sad that she is not happy for me 🙁
I understand the point about money, very much so and I do not EXPECT a dime from them. I just want to ask as my sister and brother both did when they got married. and I am not having an extravagent wedding by any means, we are going pretty frugla, catering it ourselves, getting a great price on venue because we are coming back to clean up. we are being frugal and saving money like no tomorrow. i’ve heard it from her a million times that money needs to put a roof over your head, etc. and i personally know that for a fact because i am the one workin to pay the bills and will continue to do so for my life. maybe she thinks i could ‘do better’ in her eyes, but this is the man i love and want to spend the rest of my life with. i have no problem waiting to make it financially stable. i have faith that it will because we are both determined and hard workers. and to me thats all that matters, determination and effort

8 Responses to “What if your family is not excited for your wedding?”

  1. Leo D says:

    You were extremely rude to post before calling your mom. Sorry, this one is your fault.

    Apologize, tell her you didn’t want to wake her, etc.

    Moms wait a lifetime for this call and you didn’t even say it to her in the morning in a private moment.

    Don’t blame it on her and then justify your lack of courtesy . Apologize and ask for her blessing.

  2. Captain says:

    Funny you mention money…not to piss you off or put the situation down, but I just heard on the radio 50% of people who marry divorce, and among that 50% that divorce most say it is due to financial stress.

    Either your mom was 1. Hurt you announced it to the world on facebook before giving her a call (I mean, come on; you couldn’t wait to post it before you contacted close family and friends?). Or, 2. She doesn’t care for the guy that much, and doesn’t want to see you hurt later in life.

    Why should she make a big deal out of it when you didn’t bother calling her to make a big deal out of it? You see where I’m going with this? Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear.

  3. Perse says:

    Under better circumstances, she would probably be happy for you. You do kind of have to see her point of view here. It is not every mother’s dream for their child to have a child out of wedlock then marry the unemployed father as you try to support a family living below the poverty line. It’s not exactly a time for celebration.

    You should respect your mother’s feelings, they are justified. Do not ask her for money. If you’re an adult prepared to get married, you should foot the bill yourself. Which in addition to your financial woes, brings up concerns of your level of maturity if you expect your mom to pay for your wedding.

    I think you need to gain some perspective.

  4. Blunt says:

    Yes, there is more than money in life, but you need money to put a roof over your head, pay the bills and put food on the table for your children.

    I’m sorry, but wanting to get married to an unemployed man is not an ideal situation. You also didn’t inform your mom, you let her found out from the internet, and that is not the order of things.

    If you “struggle” to pay your bills, I’m sure now she worries that she also have to “struggle” to fund for your dreams and expectations, which she can’t and in all honesty, it is not her responsibility, it is solely yours and your fiance’s.

    Her husband just lost his job, where do you think the money will come from to fund your wedding? You are responsible to pay for your own parties, I’m sorry, but they owe you nothing.

    You seem to be a nice person, so please be considerate and realistic of the situation: your mom has no money, you don’t have money, you man is unemployed, your step dad just lost his job: this is not the time for demands of champagne and Chantilly lace. You have do with what you and your man have in your pockets, it is your tab after all sweetie.

    Good luck and congrats

  5. CC says:

    Posting it on fb before telling your mom was not a smart move. but anyway, your mom is just like any other typical mom…she wants her daughter to be e happy, healthy, and have a nice life. Not having money can disrupt all of that. I know you say you’re happy now…that’s good..but your mom is looking at the bigger picture..down the road when you and your husband can’t pay your electric bill, rent, water bill…that’s what she is think about..even when you’re not. She is thinking about you having to work longer and harder because your husband doesn’t bring in any money. How can she be happy with all this on her mind?

    You and her should talk about this. You can tell her (reassure her) how much you love this man..and even though he doesn’t bring in money now..he is GOOD to you, loving to you, caring. He is good to your children. THAT is all more important than money. Try to make her see it this way. I’d rather have that than have a man who makes tons of money, but is a jerk.

    But you also need to understand where she is coming from. Most moms don’t care if their daughter doesn’t marry a doctor or lawyer..but they want their daughter to marry someone who is kind..AND..can take care of the household…financially, no matter what his job is.

    DO NOT ASK FOR MONEY! Bride and groom should pay for their OWN wedding. If she offers to help with money, great…if not…don’t ask. Plan a wedding with what you got.

  6. truefirstedition says:

    Look, your mom might be perfectly happy for you. But not ALL moms react with shouts and crying and immediately starting a “my daughter’s wedding to do list.” You’re putting your expectations on your mom and that’s not fair. Unless she’s actually said, “I don’t think you’re making a good decision and I’m not happy about your engagement,” let’s assume that she is happy, but just isn’t having over-the-moon histrionics about it.

  7. The Original GarnetGlitter says:

    Since you already live with him and have had a baby with him…where is the excitement for an engagement and wedding……sorta put the carriage before the horse, dear….could be your mother feels you had BEST get married after all, you two live together, play married and have already procreated…when circumstances (a baby ) creates an expectation (marriage) one can not get giddy and excited over what one feels is the ‘right thing to do’. In this case an engagement and a mariage is an anti-climax.

  8. Lydia says:

    IN this case, it’s your fault – it was horrid of you to post on FB before telling your mom – no excuses to how you wanted to tell the rest of the world, etc.
    And you should NOT be asking your parents for money for the wedding, not in your situation.

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