Ungrateful Wife what can I do?

May 10th, 2011

I need help saving what’s left of my dignity and marriage of 12 years. I married a 36 year old woman when I was 31. She had never been married and neither had I. Neither of us had children. When we met and for the first 6 months before the wedding we had sex at the drop of a hat. Passion, love romance. She seemed very giving and full of energy. After we were married on our wedding night she got mad about something and sex was out of the question. Was several days after that before we made love again. Then we started trying to have a child and it was so difficult because I couldn’t get her to even try to become romantic. After a year of trying we went to a fertility doctor who gave her expensice fertility shots which made her very easily agitated, this led to her getting mad at the slightest thing which also led to her not wanting to make love eventhough we paid for an expensive fertility shot. That went on until I decided to have the Dr do artificial insemination to her to make sure she was getting inseminted because she was to tempermental you couldn’t garantee there would be sperm and egg together when it needed to be. Ten thousand dollars later and no pregnancy and no more money to do anything else she decided that since she couldn’t get pregnant, there was no need for sex. Hooray for me. Sealed my fate. Not only have I suffered 12 years of sex maybe 6 times per year, but she has no energy, she’s lazy, fat not motivated to do anything. The doctors even tell her she needs exercise, but she works so hard during the day doing nothing but working in a pretty stress free job involving nothing more than running programs and surfing the web, that she must come home and go straight to bed and sleep a couple of hours before she can wake up eat dinner that I cook and watch tv or surf on the web for the rest of the evening. I cook, clean, pay bills, do all her errands, shop, pick up prescriptions, make phone calls for her and everything but her bodily functions for her. Get this I use a manual wheelchair, and have undergone carpal tunnel surgery from over use of me arms rolling a manual chair for the past 15 years. I have severe arthritus, but have no problems in regards to sex. I have women coming on to me all the time which pisses her off. I have made it 12 years without cheating on her once. I left my 43 year home, friends and relatives to move 2600 miles closer to her family. We’ve only seen them 5 times since we’ve moved here. I left my life and everything I know behind for her, and my reward for this is to keep on doing everything for her, and getting nothing in return. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore, and after being alone for 31 years, I can’t stand the thought of being alone again. I think the only thing that keeps me here and loyal to her is the fact we are best friends and enjoy a lot of the same things and have a lot in common mentally, and enjoy talking about the same things. We compliment each other emotionally, but the other things are beginning to out weight the good. I would have left her soon after the move, but feel sorry for her enough to keep staying here. I’m now stuck here because I have property here and my animals love the place where I live and I wouldn’t want to make them move again, nor would I want to spilt them up or leave them. Help me please what can I do. Suicide always seems to be the best option to get out of this, but I’m not depressed, and just keep thinking something better is just around the corner. Lost.
I agree that I’m essentially married to my sister. We cannot afford counseling due to limited income and living in a high cost of living state. Neither of us go to church, and wouldn’t go to a pastoral type councilor. I also agree with everyone that suicide is not an option.
Oh to answer telling her how I feel. I have she always turns around anthing I say to make it my fault and by the time she’s through making me feel bad enough, she knows I’ll shut up. Example: I say you know I’m getting tire of us not ever having sex. She comes back with maybe if you didn’t piss me off by asking for sex you’d have better luck. If you were more spontaneous and led up to romance you wouldn’t put me in a bad mood. I’ve tried those things. Just as soon as I try carressing her or becoming intimate or romantic, she will say no I don’t feel like it. Well this kills me because then I think what the hell’s the use. I’ve became too gun shy to romance my way into sex, and too gun shy to ask for it, so I just let it go for several days and ask if she’s in the mood. Guess what? She never is and will admit she has no sex drive, nor desire to ever have sex.
Jackrabbit, Please stop holding back and tell me how you really feel. I can’t take it.

11 Responses to “Ungrateful Wife what can I do?”

  1. katie2008 says:

    Wow! Too long of a post!! Please break it down into some paragraphs so it is easier to read, and cut out the fluff.

  2. Daisyhill says:

    Get councelling…but I cannot help thinking that if you @Have no problem with sex@ then you have no problem doing housework. Sex is pretty hard work!

  3. kms says:

    Suicide isn’t the answer at all. I would have a talk with the wife, tell her how unhappy you and that you want things to change or you will be off. If that doesn’t give her the well needed kick up the bum then you need to seriously think of ending this.

    It never is nice leaving a family home etc but why waste more years being stuck with someone who makes you feel unhappy? Life is too short for that.

    Good luck.

  4. branix says:

    You are married to your sister not a wife. The relationship is good but platonic. No sex! Find somebody to have sex with. She is setting the ground rules, you just need to set a few of your own. Your right, you left everything behind to be married to a woman who doesn’t want to make love. Your money, your property, you pets, etc. are all in place. It is expensive to get out of a marriage, but this is no marriage. And don’t be a fool into thinking just going through a divorce and getting on with your life is the best thing to do. You have a relationship with this woman and it is good as far as companionship goes.

    Find yourself a hobby and a sex mate. This way when you go out to work on your hobby you have an excuse to be out of the home and you can then have sex. I know this isn’t a conventional way of thinking, but quite frankly you are in an unconventional type of marriage. Take care of your needs – she certainly is taking care of hers with little regard to your comfort level.

    It is okay! No matter what everybody says!

  5. Everybody's fool says:

    It looks like your wife is a bit depressed and sad with her life right now. Maybe all the years of trying to get pregnant scientifically, took their toll on her and she is sad because of this. She seems to have given up. Did you try suggesting that she goes to therapy? Or perhaps you could both go. Or counceling would be a good idea. I know people say it all the time but it really does help motivate people and help them remember what it was like in the beginning and why they’re together still. It will take time and effort but since you’re loyal and faithful to her, it means you love her. And the things you have in common will make the process a lot easier. I say give your marriage one more chance through professional help, it’s a shame to give up on everything now after everything. Make her realize that you’ll be by her no matter what, maybe she feels she has lost you already so she’s not putting in any effort. (Emotional people think like this unfortunately) Help her get through this so you can both be happy.

  6. z says:

    You really need to get help – this is a big burden to be dealing with on your own. I recommend the first step may be to see your doctor and see what s/he recommends for you. (you may be directed to a counsellor)

    I would say I dont know how you have the patience to have dealt with all this you are a very brave and loyal man.

    Suicide is not the way out although thought the easiest way sometimes – this should not be an option. Think of yourself for once and get the life you deserve – life does go on and there is a life beyond what you have this moment you are merely existing not living

    Try sort it out as soon as you can (and I personally would not stay with your wife simply for a friendship – you deserve much much more)

  7. yallerose says:

    Tell her exactly what is bothering you and ask her to go to counseling, as you still have feelings for her, but want to salvage the marriage before it dies. If she refuses then you will have to start over and build a new life. Don’t let the things that have stopped you from leaving keep you miserable for another 12 years or until you end up dead. Life is to short to be miserable, and take it from me, starting over is scary but can turn out to be a wonderful blessing if you let it.
    I left a 13 year marriage that was making me miserable and I had a child, but 4 years later married the love of my life and have been wonderfully happy for the last 20 years. I wish you the best, but warn you not to consider doing away with yourself. You have a lot to offer, you have a lot left to accomplish, and who knows what wonderful things are waiting for you around the next corner??

  8. Sam K says:

    Sex is good in a marriage, but it is not the only thing that can keep a couple happy. Probably you need to keep your mind out of it for a while – control your feelings for sex and frustrations so that you can be able to think rationally. Perhaps you need to ask yourself suppose you were the one lacking sexual desires, what would you expect from your wife?. It always happens in a marriage and so tomorrow it could be you.

    You have mentioned that apart from the sexual denial you normally enjoy each others company. Maybe you need to take time and discuss her sexual probablems with her.

    On the other issues, i suggest you stop doing much in the house. i.e stop cooking for her, and all those other things you do for her. Let her do the house keeping. Try to caltivate some independence. Let her know you can do without her. Dont even show that you want sex. Women normally dont like beggers, more so where sex is concerned.
    Am sure once she notices a change in you, all else will fall in place.It has always been easier to change someone by first initating a change in our selves.

    Wish you all the best.

  9. jackrabbit_s says:

    Man up you pussy. Men like you disgust me. A normal person would not treat a dog the way that fat cow wife of yours treats you. If you take it that means you enjoy it or are too wimpy to ask for what you need. You don’t need any kind of counseling just a kick in the ass. If she won’t meet you halfway its time to leave and find somebody who may appreciate you. Now grow a pair and try to be fair to yourself.

  10. ♥♥ says:

    i have to admit, at first i was feeling bad for you cause you did help all you can to have a baby.. but then it goes to how you just let her step all over you.. are you a human or doormat.. if the r/ship is that miserable and you cant do anything to help and she wont meet you halfway then get up and get a move on..
    woman like that never see what a good man she has until he’s gone.. trust when i say this.. when a person is fed up with another person that’s no turning back..
    any other woman in her right mind would put a man like you on her pedal stool.. in this case it seems you just kinda shriveled up to the point of you not knowing who you are anymore.. a woman wants a man that can stand up for himself.. not a baby.. but it seems so that opposites attract.. maybe you do like how she treats you.. do you feel that it’s a prize or something to celebrate when she finally does lay with you…
    in marriage the man and woman are equal.. both have to work together.. you shouldn’t have to earn anything.. or beg for anything

  11. Youdrink says:

    Urinate in the DOLTS face and tell her from now on CS, I’m running this place.

RSS feed for comments on this post. And trackBack URL.