This has to be taken care of before I join his family!!!?

April 25th, 2011

My fiances father passed away over a year ago. I understand that is something that is going to hurt for the rest of their lives. (I have been around this family almost 10 years! it hurts me alot too)
My fiances mother did not take this well at all! She now goes from talking about her new boyfriend/boyfriend of the month…to saying she is going to kill herself. If things don’t go her away she says she is going to kill herself. She always says how people don’t care about her. Because they don’t go the extra mile to help her or be there for her. (her calling me 6 times in 1 day to talk about nothing was fine but when I didn’t pick up the 7th time I was the a$$hole.)
My fiance is very upset she didn’t even know our wedding date or location (after a year of planning).
I got in a fight with his sister because she thinks I don’t care/understand his mom’s problems, since I think she needs serious help! I tried to explain counseling, is to give you the tools to help yourself. If that takes a week or 20 years+. If she isn’t willing to help herself I can’t, keep staying up all night worrying or talking to her on the phone. I can’t keep risking texting her at work/school. etc I work 2 jobs & go to college)

Really the truth is, when any one in his family is upset they all call me. But at the same time as soon as something goes wrong its my fault. None of them want to deal with the other one’s problems. So its easier to turn on me. That used to be fine. If I tell them 1 thing its all over the family. I have stopped picking up my phone, deleted my facebook, answer texts hours/days later. Changed & deleted email address. Talk on the phone as little as possible.

How do I fix this?
My fiance wants as little to do with his family as possible but if I’m mean to them & they rat me out he kinda takes their side. I know he’s just trying to do the right thing & is stuck between a rock & a hard place but we need to be able to live our own life. 1 with less stress!
Wow…leave him over his family even though he is amazing! I see why you guys are single or should be!

I have told her cousling but she says she doesn’t need it. It won’t bring him back. I told everyone right after he died there was a group very close to home that does family counseling after a death. (group or single) They said they didn’t need it. It wasn’t important they would be fine. My fiance did go twice.

3 Responses to “This has to be taken care of before I join his family!!!?”

  1. desperado says:

    you both need to tell the family to take care of their life grow up leave you 2 alone let you live your lifes ,,if they are not smart enough to understand .move or just plain cut off talkin to them

  2. Saya says:

    Leave him.

  3. Eleanor H says:

    I think that you and your fiance might benefit from couples counseling, to help the two of you talk this problem over and find a way of relating to his family that both of you can agree on. You both need to talk about how you see him as taking his family’s side.

    You mentioned that you had talked to the sister about counseling for the mother. Have you talked to the mother about it? Just say to the mother, your problems are too serious for me to be able to help with and suggest grief counseling. She might not want to listen, but it is worth a try.

    But you can’t be this family’s counselor/problem solver. You can’t let this mother phone you six times in one day and emotionally blackmail you by threatening to kill herself. You can’t let the sister expect you to be devoting that much time to the mother. This sounds like a very disturbed family and there may be nothing you can do about it. But at least you can avoid being sucked into their mess and be used by them as their scapegoat.

    If you encourage the mother to get grief counseling, at least you will know that you did what you could. If that doesn’t work, you tried your best and weren’t able to help. So, you have a right to say, sorry, I did everything I could but I couldn’t help, and then distance yourself from this family. You and your fiance might have to decide to have as little to do with them as possible. If you and your fiance can’t get on the same page in terms of how to relate to his family, you might consider breaking up with him.

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