Someone from the outside to look in please?

May 16th, 2011

K so this is going to be a long one….

Lets start at the beginning so you get the whole picture.

Earlier this year my husbands immediate family had a big fall out – to the point where we didnt speak to them or see them for months. While this was all happened, my husband and i finally set a date for october this year to get married. He asked his friend to be his best man and i was like well your family isnt coming, my friends and family are not in the same country so who do i ask…. Well i asked the best man’s girlfriend – Debbie. When i asked her i had this expectation that she would be really excited and jump and up and down and say YES YES YES! but it was the total opp – she answered it as if i asked her for a glass of milk “yeah sure”. Anyway our wedding was a very tight budget wedding, and i was trying to buy her a dress online and shoes online and all she kept on talking about was if the shoes would suite jeans and other dresses (talking beyond the wedding) and here i am thinking well if you thinking about that then you can buy your own dam shoes! but i’m the type of person to keep all that bottled inside and just go with the flow. So i would rant and rave in my husbands ear and he would say “i told you not to ask her” (sorry but have to mention that no one likes her they just tollerate her because she is our friends partner) – this infuriated me coz who else do i ask???? we not talking to his family, we in a new country so i dont know anyone that well to ask. Anyway a few weeks go by and we make amends with the family and i told my sister in laws that i had asked debbie to be my brides maid. They were fine with it but they didnt like her either and one of them said “its your choice at the end of the day but just think really carefully coz you will be stuck with her for ever if she is going to be in your pictures” – which got me thinking and talking, and they were like just tell her that the family has made up and your first choice was one of us but because we werent talking she was the next best thing” – now i dont like confrontations so this was going to be hard for me. the next day i rang her and she was crying saying that her and Dean were fighting and he was not talking to her and sleeping in the spare room (its 8 weeks till my big day)!!! so i put it out there and said “Debbie you and Dean need to sort out your problems coz i dont want any conflict on my day” and she turned around said “If you want to get someone else i will step down” well i did a happy dance coz i didnt have to ask her! “i was all sympathetic and said well if thats what you want then i cant waste any more time i have 8 weeks to go” i went to work and she rang me very upset about what had happened her not being bridesmaid anymroe and (deep down inside i ddint want her to be either but i never told her that coz i didnt want to hurt her feelings) and i was “debbie you stepped down a few weeks before i cannot count on you to be their with you and dean fighting, whats to say it gets really bad 1 week before and none of you come – i cant do that” I have asked one of my sister-in-laws and she has accepted. She eventually said to me that our friendship would be over – it would never be the same coz she felt i was blaming her for her and dean fighting and she was taking the rap for it.

We told my husbands mother and she said we could not do that i could have 2 bridesmaids and if she let me down again at least i would have one on the day. but the whole time in the back of my mind all i kept on thinking debbie only wants to be a bridesmaid to get the dress and shoes out of it. Coz i was planning my own hens night she was doing nothing, i was doing all my planning. Then i hear through someone in this country that the brides maid pays for her own shoes and accessories – well that just sent me off the top. Here we are battling to pay for most things in a short period of time and here is the women (who has been married 2x) she should know how it works but this just confirmed what my gut was telling me anyway – this women who i thought was my friend is a taker!
Any way we finally made up-I thought we did.my husband slept at their house b4 our wedding & went 2a bbq. she tells my husband that her friend thinks he is goodlking- my husband thought “thats a bit inapropriate” On my wedding day she didnt say 2words to me! she did tell my husband AGAIN that her friend thought he was goolking! i have lost all respect for her. Now she’s txing my husb all hrs of the day when her&Dean are fiting &i’m like text 1 of your GFs? But I was tld she is trying 2 get under myskin so i must act as if it doesnt bother me. My husband tells me i should tollerate her for the sake of his frndship with dean, we went there lastnight for a bbq & i spoke to her when spoken to – i dnt go
Any way we finally made up-I thought we did.my husband slept at their house b4 our wedding & went 2a bbq. she tells my husband that her friend thinks he is goodlking- my husband thought “thats a bit inapropriate” On my wedding day she didnt say 2words to me! she did tell my husband AGAIN that her friend thought he was goolking! i have lost all respect for her. Now she’s txing my husb all hrs of the day when her&Dean are fiting &i’m like text 1 of your GFs? But I was tld she is trying 2 get under myskin so i must act as if it doesnt bother me. My husband tells me i should tollerate her for the sake of his frndship with dean, we went there lastnight for a bbq & i spoke to her when spoken to – i dnt go
out of my way to have a convr with her. I left early &she told my husband that i was offish to her,he asks me why i was rude to her! She is making trouble, i just would like some outside perspec on this sit-what do i do i want to keep my husb happy & for him to be able to see his friend
Sorry this is really really long, like i said b4, i want to make my husband happy but does that mean going against the person i am and the beliefs i have. I hate 2faced people and right now i feel like one!

7 Responses to “Someone from the outside to look in please?”

  1. Optimist says:

    I agree.

  2. Buck Wheat says:

    My god woman, after reading all of this, I need an emergency eye wash station.

  3. ♫ Mad Luv ♫ aka ~Pril~ says:

    When you learn that what you do doesn’t determin your friends family or husband happiness you will be a lot better off.
    happiness is a personal choice. now you can make their life a living heck by gettin gon their nearves and stuff but living life for happi9ness of other people is hard.. try something new living life for you. how can you make someone happy if you yourself don’t show signs of happiness. the best way to share happiness is to be happy yourself.

  4. MD says:

    Why are you making her your problem? You can speak to her when entertaining. It is not like you have to live or work with her. She has the problem; however, your husband has to be willing to set limits with her regarding the texting or her comments. It sounds like there will be opportunities with your husbands family, too, and you will either have to keep your distance or become a negotiator. Have a great day.

  5. E&L says:

    Yeah you made a mess of the whole thing and wanted to get out of it without a hitch . . . which you knew there was no way of doing so without hurting someone.

    You should have stood on your own two feet and NOT asked a woman who was not a friend, then to be manipulated by your sister in law to drop her . . . well, you really got what you were asking for in this case.

    Don’t be upset for her not jumping forward to pay for dress and shoes, some families pay for those in the bridal party, including their hotel stay . . . especially if you were not really friends.

    Dropping her was a bit mean, and her attitude right now is to dig back since she needed you at that time and you brushed her off. Sorry but keep a smile on your face for your husbands sake, there is no reason you must do things as a couple.

  6. Honey says:

    From an outsiders perspective, you were wrong. Because you and your family were at odds, you invited her to be a bridesmaid. By definition, you were willing to use her for your purposes, even though you neither wanted her there or liked her period. You wanting to use her because you had no one else, apparently not having the wedding you planned wasn’t an option seeing as how you could’ve not had as many or any bridesmaids, the same way you’re saying she wanted to use you to get her a dress and some shoes. To top that off, once you and your family resumed pleasant relations, you want to ax her being your bridesmaid. Beyond that, you did it in a cowardly way by using problems in her relationship as a reason for not wanting her as a bridemaid. She didn’t offer to step down, you implied that she should. You did her dirty because as you said, it was YOUR day and I guess that means that no one else matters but you. You say you hate two faced people and have lost respect for you but you’re the one being two faced and unseemingly deserving of respect. Going against the person you are and the beliefs you have must mean stepping over someone else’s feelings for your own agenda because that’s exactly what you did. However, she was completely out of line for trying to cause problems with you and your husband and you should tell her so. You should admit that you were willing to use her because you had no one else at the time and you should confront her about only wanting to be your bridesmaid to get a dress and some shoes, and give her a chance to address your concern. I doubt it would fix your problem but if you’re starting from ground zero, you’re at least giving her a chance for the sake of your husband’s friend.

  7. Loud Whisper says:

    I agree.

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