Sex problems, please help the newlyweds?

April 1st, 2010

My husband and I are newly weds and sex is such a big problem. It’s my fault, I’m really messed up but I don’t want him to have to suffer. 4 years ago I came from my country to the US to go to college. I met this american boy who I fell in love with and we got married!! We started dating half way through first year, and got married at the end of senior year so we were together for a good 4 years before we got married, but we didn’t have sex. In my country, sex is different (sort of). The wives aren’t meant to enjoy it and if it looks to their husbands like they are enjoying it then he will think she is a sl*t and sometimes it leads to divorce, other times the husband will just get uncomfortable with her and the marriage goes really bad. It sort of like they are in denial that it feels good for us too, and to an extent I feel like I am the same. My husband is the exact opposite. He asks me where I want him to touch me and what I want him to do to me but I just can’t say. I can’t express myself sexually or else I feel like a s.lut. Even when I know that I want something from him, or I want to do something to him I can’t tell him or just do it. I love him so much and it hurts that I can’t give him what he wants. We have been over this so many times but nothing is changing. I can’t even say words like “sex” out loud, let alone anything more. He always asks me to express myself during sex but I just don’t make a sound. I feel like it’s embaressing, and wrong.
Do other ladies feel the same or is it just me? What should I do? Please give me any advice that will help me!!

I don’t want to feel like a porn star or something.. but I know he’s my husband and I shouldn’t feel that way but I do, you can’t forget how you were brought up for 17 years..

18 Responses to “Sex problems, please help the newlyweds?”

  1. peachy girl says:

    Realx and let go sweetie! Its nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about!

  2. Dozzie says:

    What not enjoy sex??? That sucks

  3. KJ jr says:

    lady, you need to get drunk and let yourself go.

  4. crazy8eddie says:

    Show him this posting. He will need to understand you and your culture and inhibitions and accept them and respect your position. Over time, you will probably be more comfortable expressing yourself but it will take a lot of time. Good luck.

  5. The real casual poster says:

    Seek therapy….I’m not one to recommend therapy very often but you need some outside help if you ever hope to have an orgasm.

    Good luck.

  6. 17~*~F0r3v3r says:

    I think you should maybe go to counceling to find out even though you are out of your country you still live by their rules. you arent a sl*t for enjoying sex. in america we very much enjoy it. if you want to make him happy SCREAM!!! YOU HAVE TO MAKE NOISES. YOU HAVE TO ENJOY IT !!! thats the whole point of sex or other wise its like rape. God wouldnt just give us a vagina to push babies out. we are supposed to enjoy it tooo.

    good luck

  7. dogbrandonred says:

    there is nothing wrong with feeling like a slut for your man. get nasty and don’t worry about it. If you can’t seek profesional help.

  8. fenders rock says:

    You need to change your way of thinking. Condition yourself so that sexual comments no longer bother you. Buy yourself some really sexy bedclothes and start talking dirty, all the time. Explain this your husband beforehand so he knows it’s coming. It will be uncomfortable at first but soon you will be having awesome, raunchy sex with the man you love. Sex should be enjoyed by both people. I hope this helps.

  9. DILLON says:

    The things that are instilled in you, sex is dirty, women are not supposed to enjoy it, etc. is not going to change overnight. But if you love each other and want to stay married then you have to change. Love making is an important aspect of marriage and without it love marriage will fall apart. You should seek counseling to overcome your false thoughts and he needs to be patient and understanding with you. He needs to be your mentor and bring you along slowly to enjoy yourself and give him pleasure. Don’t waste anymore time and act on it today.

  10. kpopp says:

    Talk, talk and more talk. Eventually you will feel at ease with a discussion of sex. Yes, I know all about different cultures. I will always recommend that the cultural background should be alike. But in your case, living in a western country, there are many ways of accessing sexual behavior. Normalcy is what you and your husband consider normal. So talk, talk and talk some more. For good communicatiion is essential in any successful relationship.

    More info at my source.

  11. Lucy says:

    You might do well with some sex therapy for yourself.

    Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. If God didn’t want women to enjoy sex, he wouldn’t have given us the ability to have orgasms. Once you have one, you’ll see what all the buzz is about.

    Try doing it in the dark, with a radio on or something. Maybe have a glass of wine before bed. Good luck.

  12. truthhurts says:

    That’s a tough one, I’m sorry. It is hard to change a belief that you were raised on, but I do believe it is possible. I would agree that it may help you to have a few drinks. Don’t get drunk, but relax into yourself with a nice wine (or what ever you prefer), then ask your hubby to ease you into it. Focus on how good everything feels…. if you’ve had a few this will be easier, the more sober you are the more you will settle back onto your insecurities. Once you get the hang of changing your focus (how it feels to do so) it will come more naturally to you. It definitely helps that your husband understands and is willing to work with you while you overcome this =0]

    Good luck =0]

  13. Annie says:

    i personally don’t think this is for real, but if it is….relax, “go with the flow” and enjoy yourself!

  14. sensible Miss says:

    I think you may need some sort of therapy to overcome this block. Most health centres have a therapist to deal with problems. Try getting a referral from your GP.
    Please remember that a lot of societies around the world practice this. They make sex a shameful sin for the women to avoid the spread of disease through promiscuity!
    You will need professional help to let go of the demons. What you want is pure and beautiful and you have the right to enjoy it with your husband.
    Also try and imagine touching and stroking him lovingly and then imagine him thinking loving thoughts when he is exploring you.

    I hope you will overcome this soon. It is the most wonderful thing to enjoy making love to the person you love most in the world!

    Best of luck to you!

  15. Amanda 18 says:

    wow, yes ive heard of thing like that happening in country and heard that allot of husbands in other country’s get there wives clitoris removed I THINK THAT IS SO WRONG!

    well i was Brought up in the USA in a baptist church and they don’t use the word sex very offend eather lol
    allot of Baptist men i know only want to get a wife then chain her to the stove all day then at night do her and not care if she enjoys it or not.

    women can enjoy sex, we have so Meany nerve endings its not even funny (that makes it feel great for us women)

    i don’t know what to say, i just got over the way i was brought up and you can to if you want to.

    just remember you married an american, the men love sex hear (so do allot of the women..including me)
    you didn’t marry a man that will divorce you if you like it.
    your parents ant in the room when you and him are making love, so don’t think about them.
    you sound like you may have never even had an orgasm, ide go to a sex toys website with your husband and buy somethings that you think will spice up your sex life, get yourself a vibrator and find your g spot
    you wont be able to think about the way you were brought up once you find it lol
    have fun in the bedroom, who cares how you were brought up, i very much doubt your husband will tell your family you like sex

  16. opetke says:

    Hm….lets try a creative way that doesn’t reject the tenants of your upbringing.

    I have a feeling your culture firmly places the woman as submissive to the man. Very well. Lets USE this cultural phonomenon to your favor, rather than as an obstical.

    So you are submissive to your husband. He has requested something of you, correct?

    So, as a good wife, you should make every attempt to deliver it. Right?

    So here is what I want you to say and think during sex:

    I want to you embrace this submissiveness, rather than feeling cast adrift by taking a more….sexually liberated role. EMBRACE your submissiveness.

    So when you talk to him during sex, rather than saying or doing things that make you look like a porn star…I want you to say and do things that underline your submissive upbringing.

    Submissives enjoy the thrill (yes, thrill) of riding the rollercoaster. You have no control, no guilt, no responsibility. In otherwords, you CAN’T be a s*lut because you have no power in the marriage bed. By giving him all the control, you are released from anything you might say, do, or feel. It is not a reflection on you, no more than riding a rollercoaster reflects on your ability to drive a car or fly an airplane.

    There is no steering wheel. How can you possibly be blamed?

    So EMBRACE your submissive upbringing. Rather than trying to eek out smutty words or act brazen (leading to feelings of guilt), I want you to say things that both a) express your gratification and b) absolve yourself from the feelings of guilt.

    Tell him you’re a slave to his desires. Tell him you love feeling his pleasure. Tell him you want him to make love to you. Tell him you can’t help but moan and gasp because HE’S making you do it. Beg him to make you FEEL him inside you. Tell him afterwards that HE makes you act in a way that amorous and untypical. Let him know that he is the only one who can make you feel this way.

    These words will be returned with love and attention. Who gives love and attention to a porn star? So your place and standing is secure. Far from being a s*lut, you’re a very dutiful wife who is unresponsible for how her husband compells her to act, yet is very dutiful to his needs and desires.

    Again, if you’ve been raised like this all of your life, then you’re not going to win a battle against it. Instead, USE your upbringing to satisfy both yourself and your husband.

    Good Luck!

  17. marcia f says:

    It’s hard to change when you are brought up a certain way but it can be done. I can tell you right now that sex is a very strong pull and if a man is not happy at home with his sex life, eventually he will stray. I’m sure you would like a good and faithful marriage. Therefore, you are both going to have to change a little. You must meet each other half way. I would suggest counseling. The reason I say this is because it is so much easier to communicate to the one you love when you have someone else explaining to them what it is that you mean when you say certain things. A third party(make sure it is a female counselor) can help each of you to understand the other ones needs. I also suggest that you buy some Love novels. These books are every where…..drug stores,super markets, book stores. They usually have a sexy woman on the front and a handsome man holding her in his arms. These books are hot. They are not porn but close. My 92 year old mom reads them so they are not that bad but they will give you an idea of some of the things you can say without sounding like a slut. If you want to please your husband then you need to enjoy him making love to you . You need to know that whatever goes on behind closed doors between you and your husband is no ones business and it is just between the two of you. You should be able to relax and just let yourself go. Let all of your emotions and love for him come out. The more you like what he is doing to you the hotter he will get. Nothing should be dirty or nasty as long as the two of you agree that it gives you pleasure. I feel sorry for the women of your country because sex should be enjoyable for both men and women. I feel sorry for the men of your country too because they will never know what it feels like to completely satisfy a womans sexual needs. I also suggest that you experiment on yourself. Touch yourself and masturbate so you will know what feels really good and you can tell your husband. The main thing is to be able to relax. You can do this by taking a nice hot bath and drinking a little wine. The more relaxed you are the better you will feel.

  18. Honey says:

    If you couldn’t forget how you were brought up, what are you doing with an american guy? I don’t know where you’re from but I have a friend who is muslim and she won’t date guys who aren’t. They don’t have to be from her country just be a practicing muslim. She said that her upbringing keeps her from dating guys who aren’t. I didn’t believe her because her style isn’t like that of a muslim. She doesn’t pray, or even attend a mosque, and she has never kept her head or face covered the whole time I’ve known her so it seemed to me that if she overlooked her tradition for one thing, she could for another. However, she maintains that she won’t date anyone other than a muslim and that part of her upbringing, is what she chooses to maintain.

    In other words, she can go outside of how she was taught when she chooses, she just chooses not to regarding the men she dates. You can go outside of your upbringing regarding women enjoying sex, you just choose not to. You’ve been here 4yrs so unless you married the first person who showed you interest, how could you guys have gotten close enough to wanna marry? Why marry someone who doesn’t share the same philosophy on sex as you do? Why not marry someone who feels about a woman’s place regarding sex, as you do? I wouldn’t feel the same as you because I wouldn’t marry someone I was sexually incompatible with. Your situation seems self inflicted, as such as if you only wore black because your parents only wears black or told you that you can only wear black and you CHOOSE to obey them.

RSS feed for comments on this post. And trackBack URL.

Leave a Reply