one of my bridesmaids went m.i.a., what do i do?

January 6th, 2011

When i got engaged i asked my three closest girlfriends to be my bridesmaids. I’m planning my wedding on my own and two out of the three have been extremely supportive, going with me to appointments and helping me plan. My third bridesmaid however, blows me off every time. I had to pull teeth to get her to go pick out her dress, and she went with me to buy their shoes once, six months ago. My other two are with me at least once or twice a week helping me. Every time i plan events she comes up with some excuse to not go, she wouldnt even pick up her dress and i had to send one of my helpfull ones to go get it for me because the boutique was closer to her house than mine. Her dress has been sitting at my house for 3 months and she’s missed every alterations appointment, and every time she says she’s going to come get it she shuts off her phone. I try to call her to keep her involved and tell her about things to try to get her to come and she doesnt even return my phonecalls half the time, at one point she didnt call me back for 2 months. I’m to the point where i dont rely on her to do anything, and she’s missed all the planning. She’s always been a little flakey but i didnt think she’d act like this about my wedding because she’s always been there in the past for way less serious events. I’m extremely hurt by her lack of actions and that she hasnt been there for me with everything.
My fiance thinks i shouldnt give her the dress now because he thinks she’s not going to come through in the end, and is even talking about me replacing her.
I dont know what to do, she’s my friend but she’s really hurt me by not being there, and she’s making me nervous if she’ll be there on my day. She’s made alot of promises she’s broken with my wedding, so i dont trust her completely to come through. And now i’m afraid to confront her on it because, what can she really do at this point?, she’s already missed everything.
So do i kick her out of my wedding?.. ask her if she wants to be relieved of her bridesmaid duties?.. just let it go?.. confront her on it?.. or just pray that she snaps out of it and comes through in the end?

-Engaged & Confused
i dont expect much from my bridesmaids, yes my other two are with me ALOT but its because they insist and enjoy it. i’m not asking her to be that involved i’m just really dissappointed that this entire production has been done without her. i’m dissappointed that when i look back and i think about registering with them or shopping with them or the planning lunches we have.. she’s not apart of anything. i’m not going to be able to look back on anything and say “[she] did that for me”.
and secondly, yes i try to keep up with her and its not ALL about the wedding, i left her several voicemails inviting her over just to hang out, i invite her to all the lunches/dinners we host that have nothing to do with the wedding.

i’m extremely dissappointed in her with my wedding yes, but sometimes more as a person, she’s not been a very good friend and i dont know why. i miss her, and i wish she was apart of this.

10 Responses to “one of my bridesmaids went m.i.a., what do i do?”

  1. *Jen* says:

    tell her if she doesnt show up the next tie you need her, she is no longer in the wedding

  2. koukla rose says:

    Tell her that if she isn’t interested, she doesn’t have to do it. And if you end up losing her as a bridesmaid, don’t replace her just for symmetry. Whoever you ask will know they’re just a void filler.

  3. person says:

    the best thing to do would just be confront her about it. explain how you are worried that you can’t rely on her when ur big day comes. and just ask her straight out if she wants to be a bridesmaid or not, because it would be better to replace her now than end up missing a bridesmaid on ur wedding day. and if she honestly does want to be a bridesmaid, maybe this encounter will snap her back into gear since she’ll see how much pain and distress she’s causing you. i wish you the best of luck and congrats! 🙂

  4. highfivegirl64 says:

    ask her what she wants. does she want to stay in your wedding? be firm but calm. don’t want to scare her out of the wedding! if she says she wants to stay, tell her you need more commitment from her. and if she doesnt do anything after this confrontation, kick her out.

  5. Messykatt says:

    Can I ask how much you’re requiring of your bridesmaids? You mentioned the other girls being with you once or twice a week. It’s awesome if they’re willing to do this, but that’s asking a lot of someone and you’re lucky you’ve got 2 who can devote that kind of time. In the weddings where I’ve been a bridesmaid, there’s no way I could have done this!

    When you asked this third girl to be your bridesmaid, did she know you were expecting this type of help? If not, it all may be too much for her, even though she’s not handling it well by avoiding you.

    Obviously, the dress is the one thing all bridesmaids are required to do, and that part isn’t cool. But it may not be fair to assume she won’t show up for the wedding. So I’d just have a long chat with her about all of this, not theatening to dump her, but getting a better feel for what you can rely on her for.

  6. angefrancaise015 says:

    Your fiance is right about replacing her and I think that’s what you should do. Your friend doesn’t seem to appreciate the fact that she’s been chosen to be in the most important event of your life and that it’s her duty as your friend to help you. You need to kick her out of your wedding. That’s what I would’ve done if I were you. I would’ve been pissed if that happens on my wedding planning days. You have to make it clear to her that you’re the bride and if she doesn’t cooperate with the wedding planning, she might as well be left out of the wedding and regret it for the rest of her life.

  7. attiehiking says:

    Are all of your conversations in the last year revolving about the wedding?
    Do you give her the time to talk to you about her problems.
    Call her up and ask her for coffee or something.
    Find out how she’s doing. Find out what’s new in her life. Do NOT talk about the wedding. If it comes up, change the subject.

    If every time you’ve set up to see her, the only topic of conversation is the wedding, it can get on people’s nerves. She might be feeling like you don’t need her because of the other two friends. Perhaps you always have taken their opinions and no hers in the earlier stages of planning or she didn’t feel heard. Who knows.

    When you two sit down together and talk it out, find out if she still even wants to be a bridesmaid. Maybe she can’t afford it. Obviously you’ve both grown apart. Is she the single girl in a group of couples. That is extremely difficult. Try to listen and see things from her point of view. Stay calm and non accusatory.

    If she won’t even agree to coffee, then ask her via phone if she still wants to be a bridesmaid. If you don’t get an answer in a few days, then it’s time to look for a backup.
    Don’t just let it go. Her behavior seems to be saying she’s not interested in the wedding, so I’d bet she’s looking to back out. Her behavior is very passive aggressive, so if she never actually answers you, don’t be surprised. It might be time to move on in this case.

  8. Myth_Understood says:

    Planning a wedding is the one time that you would think girlfriends would come together and be there for each other.

    REPLACE HER !!

    Don’t ask her – inform her. Call her on the phone and spill it like this:

    “Jane … look, you and I both know that your heart isn’t in this and hasn’t been since day one. I’m not here to argue or debate that, or to even ask why. I’m here to tell you that as of now, you’re out of my wedding. After we get back from the honeymoon and things are settled, we might talk, but right now I’m hurt, disappointed and I’m ANGRY that you let me down one time after another, when I would THINK that a wedding is the one time when girlfriends can count on each other. I’m to the point right now that I don’t even want you there on the day of, so don’t bother showing up. I’m hanging up now.”

    That is how I would handle it. Give her no chance to try and justify or make her case. Tell her what, why and how, and put her out of your mind until after you get back and you’re into your routine as wife and husband.

    You say that she’s your friend … but … ok, and your point is !?!??! So WHAT that you have history or whatever. She has let you down over and over AT YOUR WEDDING ! She’s NOT a friend – at least, not anymore. That’s history, and it was HER IDEA.

    You have nothing to feel guilty for. Stand your ground and don’t allow guilt to cloud your judgment. SHE ISN’T !!!

    *big hug*

    P.S. All the people who think you should ‘sit her down and see how she’s doing’ have missed the point! Your errant bridesmaid KNOWS what is required of bridesmaids (unless she lives under a rock and has never done this before … and even if that’s the case, it still doesn’t matter!!) You have had her dragging her feet for HOW LONG now? The time for talking is over. She’s an adult, isn’t she? She knows the difference between right and wrong, doesn’t she? Unless she’s become ill with a devastating disease or has untold personal problems that she’s not telling anyone and needs some compassion, you have to have this (one sided) conversation with her. If it happens that she opens up to you and is, indeed, having huge problems, then at least you’ll know why she’s been a flake. However, judging from what you said about her track record, I’d just ditch her and wait to see what happens later. You might lose a ‘friendship’ over this, but so be it. She’s wrong to leave you hanging, and on so many levels.

  9. Grace Elizabeth Taylor says:

    I had the same issue when my sister was my bridesmaid. I didn’t ask or expect a single thing out of her other than that she purchase a navy blue dress of her choosing before the wedding. She put it off for a number of months. Then she came back to me saying she didn’t find any that looked good on her from the one place she checked. She said she’d be busy with other things so wouldn’t have time to go to any other stores in the remaining months before the wedding and would have to drop out of my wedding. We were able to work it out when I told her it hurt my feelings. After that, she took the time to get the dress and be there.

    If you value your friendship with that bridesmaid, I would suggest doing the same thing. Sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk about the situation. Just tell her it hurts your feelings that she won’t even take time to pick up the dress and get it altered. Good luck!

  10. Stormchaser 1 says:

    Sounds like she is having an affair with your fiance. I would confront your fiance about it. Bridesmaids usually love participating unless they are having an affair with the groom.

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