My Future In-Laws are being unfair about our wedding plans? Please read. Thanks.?

April 25th, 2011

When my fiance and I first got engaged, we announced our engagement to our parents. Afterward, we explained to them our plans to marry and that we would like to have a wedding ceremony and reception. They were excited and was really looking forward to it. When we came to my mom and his parents about paying for the wedding, my mom was willing to help anyway she can, which wasn’t much but she was going to try. When we came to his parents, they made it seem like they just didn’t have anything to contribute toward the wedding. Money was hard to come by. We understood and didn’t press the issue. We wouldn’t ask them to take on a burden if they really couldn’t afford it even if my mom was willing to do it. I explain to my mom that his parents were not contributing. She was a little upset at first but she quickly got over it and decided that she will do the best she can on her part because it’s our wedding and she wanted to make us happy. So the cost of the wedding was pretty much falling on me, my fiancé, and my mom and we began to plan. We started with a guest list of about 115 people but we soon realize that without extra financial help, we really couldn’t afford the wedding we were planning. So we decided to bump the big wedding and just do a small ceremony and dinner with just 25 people which would be a mixture of my immediate family (mom, dad, sister, and step dad) and a few friends and his immediate family (mom, dad, and 2 sisters) and his few friends. Now all of a sudden his parents are upset that we are not inviting their friends. My fiancé explained to them several times that he doesn’t want to invite their friends because he is not that close with them and that if he were going to invite a few more people, he would have invited more of his friends or really close cousins or something like that. His parents feel like my mom and I are inviting all the people we want and is singling out their friends because we are paying for the wedding. My fiancé explain to them that it’s an even amount of guest on both sides and that in fact none of my mom’s friends are coming. It is all my friends and my immediate family. Now all of a sudden they want to contribute money to add these extra people in so they can come to the wedding and I’m sort of pissed about it. I feel like they made it seem like they couldn’t come out their pocket at all for the wedding and they were willing to let me and my mom pay for everything when they thought their friends were coming. As soon as they realize they were cut from the guest list now they have all this money to contribute to the wedding. I think it’s unfair. If my fiancé wants to invite a few more people, it should be the people he wants to invite not their friends. I bet that if he said sure I’m gonna invite a few more people and it’s not their friends their not going to want to contribute anymore. I feel like this, if we go on ahead and invite these few people that his parents really want to invite, they are not going to just pay for their plates. They are going to have to agree to contribute evenly towards this wedding. My mom didn’t decide to pay for the people she wanted to invite. When my mom decided to contribute her money was paying for his family to eat, drink, and have a good time and his parents had no problem letting her pay for it. If they want to invite their friends, they will have to contribute evenly.

Am I wrong for this or am I being unreasonable? Please let me know and thanks for reading.
TO SEAMSTRESS: We never expected anyone to pay for our wedding. We simply asked our parents for their help. My mom and his parents had every right to decline. We were not going to be upset with them if they said no. When my mom said yes, I was of course happy because we can use the help when his parents said no, we were not upset. We understood because we know everyone doesn’t have it. In fact, we decided to downsize the wedding because we learned that the financial cost was becoming to much for us and my mom. By downsizing it, my mom is able to contribute without a hassle and she won’t be in any financial debt or crises because of it. When the wedding is over, my mom and me and my fiance will be able to move forward without the effects of the cost of the wedding.

13 Responses to “My Future In-Laws are being unfair about our wedding plans? Please read. Thanks.?”

  1. ♠ Merlin ♠ says:

    i think they way they have gone about this sucks
    i think what they are now doing sucks

    up to you & hubby to be how this pans out

    if it were me i would stick to your (admirable) guns

    have the wedding YOU want, the wedding YOU are paying for
    do not be beholden to them nor let them railroad your wedding

    a polite, thank you but no thank you we are having the wedding we planned will suffice

  2. Mary says:

    The days of parents paying for weddings of their children are rapidly becoming a thing of the past, and most modern couples pay 100% for their own weddings. It is extremely generous of your mother to contribute, but since it is apparently a very large sacrifice for her, why not politely decline and suggest that she spend her money on a dress for herself and save the rest for a vacation?

    I suggest that you and your fiance plan and have the wedding YOU can afford, and simply be very matter-of-fact about the style and size and guest list.

  3. seamstress says:

    First of all. You should never expect others to pay for your wedding. If you saved your own money for this affair then you would have control over it. But since you are depending on financial help, this is where things get sticky, as you are finding out.

    I completely understand how you feel and the in laws lack social grace. Your wedding is not an affair where tickets are bought for admittance. These extra guests are not close to you at all, so I would not permit them to attend or accommodate extras in your head count just to please the in laws. These extras mean nothing to you and therefore they have no business attending your wedding.

    Tell your mother in law that your venue has been chosen and you can only accommodate the people on the invitation list and no extra guests are acceptable at this time. Give no reasons or excuses about how they sat back without contributing because that really is not the matter at hand, the extra guests are the matter at hand.
    Do not make this about money. Your fiance needs to tell his parents that extra guests are not an option. Again, do not make this about money.

  4. hyperman585 says:

    Sounds to me like your fiance’s parents are trying to buy their preferences on the wedding. They think that they can make the wedding how THEY want it because they’re going to contribute. I think, ultimately, who attends is up to you and your fiance. Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman, but it’s not up to her, either. It’s YOUR wedding. Invite who you want. I hope it doesn’t come to this, but if your fiance’s parents are unhappy about it or start complaining even more than they already are, you may have to dis-invite them. I wouldn’t invite them if they’re going to do what they can to change the best day of your life into the worst day of your life. Hope that helps!

  5. Leah DeNoon says:

    I agree with the previous poster. My fiancé and I are planning a wedding as well and luckily both sides are contributing since we have a guest list of 300 but my fiancés mom has been very pushy on decoration ideas and food ideas and whatnot and I’ve just had to politely but firmly tell her no, we would like it done a certain way that we have decided on and are not going to change it.

    I think that’s just what you need to tell your fiances parents because it’s your wedding and if they aren’t going to contribute to the entire thing then they shouldn’t get a say of what goes on.

  6. Spindrift says:

    If they insist on including their friends then they have to pay for it, that is outrageous.

  7. binkie says:

    I’m slowly starting the planning of my wedding, and I’m laying out the budget as if my fiancee and I are the only ones paying for it. That way, if we get extra financial help, we can put it towards whatever we want 🙂

    Now, as to your dilemma…I agree with you 100% about your in-laws. I guess they assumed that your mother was a millionaire and could afford to pay for everyone…including their friends.
    That’s very low class of them, honestly. First off, the guest list is between you and your fiancee. He’s right, why should he invite them if he hardly knows them??

    I personally think you and your fiancee should stick to your guns about the guest list. No offense to your fiancee, but his parents sound really REALLY pushy. Almost like the type of people who will involve themselves in their children’s lives. You guys should put your feet down and say “No, they’re not invited!” This is your wedding and this is just meaningless stress that you shouldn’t have to deal with!
    Best of luck and congrats!

  8. The Original GarnetGlitter says:

    I would stick to your current plans, Hon because people who flip-flop (and I think his parents just might) are the type who make a promise then reneg…you might forge ahead with the newer plans then find they have pulled out their help at last minute, and you are screwed in the money dept.

  9. (_9$) says:

    Be sure you get a prenuptial agreement before you worry about the wedding plans. That should be mandatory. Look how messy things are already!

    Back in the day, the only people who had weddings were society people. Others got married at home, in front of the justice of the peace, or a chapel wedding with family.

    It’s ridiculous to do something that you can’t afford. Invite your immediate family and 10 friends only. I’m sorry, I believe you had 25 for both sides. That is perfect. If that becomes a problem just go back to family. Have everyone bring a dish for the dinner and make it buffet style. Make cupcakes that is very popular and easy.

    God bless your mom. Don’t make her put her money into this. Just tell her tht things have changed and most couples pay them selves. Tell her they usually have better, longer marriages. lol. DO ask your mom to help you with picking out a simple modest dress ($150 to $300). Buy your mom a pretty dress, or ask her to spend her money on that. Ask her to give you away. OR be your matron of honor. Do ask her for her opinion on what dishes people should bring. Do ask her about how decorate for $50 or less. Get her involved in a different way. No money.

    The husbands parents can help your mom with the food and decorations, with your mom in charge.

    Or better yet, ask the mother in law if she would be interested in throwing you a shower?

    A christmas shower is doable for everyone. They can buy you a really nice ornament for $25 or less. It’s hard to buy beautiful ornaments that you can pass down to your family. Be clear about a theme. Like: Victorian ornaments, blue and silver, white, gingerbread, santa clauses, whatever. THey’ll also know what to give ya’ll for Christmas. This was the best shower I ever went to and my brother and his wife had a beautiful tree that would have taken years to collect.

    Times are tough. You seem to be very thoughtful and sensible. Remember, the MIL can be a pain, but when you have your first child, she’ll be like a puppy at your feet. She’ll do whatever you want. The torch is being passed over, it’s hard to lose your baby (he will always be her baby).

  10. Messykatt says:

    First, it is NOT a thing of the past for parents to pay for weddings! It happens all the time if they can afford it. What’s in the past is the automatic expectation of the couple that the parents “should” do this. So the general guideline on that is to wait until it’s offered. Part of the mess you’re in now is because the help was solicited, not offered.

    But your future MIL is showing classic passive-aggressiveness – she declines to be part of the wedding and then when she doesn’t like the results, she jumps in and tries to become part of it. This needs to be nipped in the bud, because she’ll do it through the whole process.

    You’re making a big mistake if you tell her she has to pay for her friends. For one thing, she’s using money as a weapon to be involved. She said no to contributing and she needs to be held to that. For another, it isn’t just meal and drink costs. Each guest adds indirectly to all other costs – invites, postage, favors, # of centerpieces, etc. And finally, it’s just a tacky situation. You’re much better off “announcing” the plans as final, not subject to every whim she gets. When you let her add her friends, you’re giving her permission to meddle in every other aspect.

    Also, if your fiance did explain it as you stated, then a reasonable person would understand completely – most weddings today are downsized as costs add up. If she is still stirring up drama, it’s by her choice, and she’ll continue until you guys disengage from it and stick with your plans.

  11. CAT says:

    I think you should continue to do as planned. Tell them you want a small intimate wedding with family and your fiance and your close friends.

  12. Liz says:

    I didn’t need to read past “When we came to my mom and his parents about paying for the wedding” to know that you are wrong, wrong, wrong!!! You don’t ask people to pay for your wedding! Part of being grown-up enough to BE married to the ability to foot the bill for your own party. Sheesh, don’t you know ANYTHING?

  13. Saya says:

    You and your fiance need to tell them to suck it up.

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