My family is not being very supportive of us having the wedding next year…?

July 8th, 2011

Long story, I’d like it if you read it and gave my advice or opinions you have. Please avoid being rude or abusive because I am quite hurt and upset, but Im open to hearing arguments from both sides.

I have been engaged for about a year and a half, and for a lot of personal reasons we had to postpone our wedding almost as soon as we got engaged. I told my parents that we wouldnt be getting married straight away, and they were quite happy (me being 19 and us being in financial strife).

My fiance has a lot of debt that he accumulated before we met, which he was paying off because he ran a very successful small business. With the recession he had to close that business and we lost a lot of money and missed a lot of payments, he joined the army and took a big pay cut. We have entered into a debt agreement through the army, which means we have arranged an interest free consolodation payment plan, basically. We can pay it off quicker if we want, but it wont save us any money and it wont get it off his record any faster (it stays on for a period of time after the start date, not the end date). So basically, we’ve come up with a solution that isnt perfect but allows us to get on with our lives and start doing the things we want (get married, save up for a second car etc). Our life has started to settle down now because the Australian army has supplied us with a house and a steady income, I have found a good job and things are really getting back to normal and are a lot less stressful.

So we decideed that now we can start planning our wedding again. We told his family, who were quite happy despite usually not really caring much about this sort of thing. His parents have agreed to give us $5-10k towards the wedding. My parents have previously told us that they will give $10k because that is how much my sister got.

When I told my family, who I am very close to and are usually supportive and loving, they (my parents and the sister who actually replied) they got angry and started going on about how if we can afford a wedding we can afford to pay off our debts. My sister (who got $10k from my parents) said “I bet you’re expecting a hand out from mum and dad to pay for this.” Even though she paid for very little for her own wedding.

My problem is, we will be paying for some of this wedding, but what our families will be contributing will cover the vast majority of it. We arent in a great spot, but we arent asking for more than what they gave our siblings. While I understand they are worried about us, they wont listen when we say that we are ok.

My father said that we are starting out life in a bad way. I dont see how it is any different from now, we have been living together for 2 years and are registered as a de facto couple (recognised in australia as basically the same as married, with all the same legal rights and obligations, just without a marriage certificate). We have already started our life together. But we are eager to be able to call other “husband” and “wife”. I know they dont disapprove of my fiance, because they have told me many times that they do approve of him and like him. My father said “i thuoght you were going to wait and have a long engagement” i told him that 3 years is a long engagement, and that we got engaged to get married. he said engagement is making a commitment to each other, but i dont believe that it is, i think its stating an intention of an impending marriage!

I dont know what to say to my parents. Im worried they are going to refuse to contribute, which would hurt me because they contributed to my sisters wedding.

10 Responses to “My family is not being very supportive of us having the wedding next year…?”

  1. Frenchi says:

    Well, if they decide not to contribute just use the $5-10,000 from his parents-thats plenty of money for a wedding-I’m doing my wedding on $2000 or less so, be happy that they are contributing at all! Maybe you should explain all this to them and see what they say then. ??

  2. almarj70 says:

    Just because your parents gave your sister money that doesn’t mean that they are OBLIGED to do the same for you. and in your parents situation I can understand why they ar a bit reluctant to do so. Getting yourself out of debt to the point where you are more than just “OK” is MUCH more important than having a wedding. take the money that your in laws are offering you and have a simple, beautiful wedding and get on with the business of getting on your feet financially. I personally as a parent would not be offering to one child what I am not prepared to do for both but that is your parents decision and you have to just suck it up and carry on with your life regardless.

  3. Perse says:

    You’re really very young. Take your time to grow up and sort your lives out and then you can put marriage back on the table. Hopefully by then, you won’t need to depend on your parents’ finances. Your parents make a lot of good points, I would be receptive to their wisdom. Also, maybe by then, they will be more willing to contribute to your wedding seeing that you have grown into a mature young woman and you have your ducks in a row. But, don’t expect anything, the responsibility to pay for a wedding only falls on the bride and groom. You are right that an engagement means to be actively planning a wedding, but it just sounds like your dad wants you to hold off, and he makes a good point, you’re not ready to be married, so shouldn’t be calling yourself engaged.

  4. ☠Maleficent☠ says:

    “We arent in a great spot, but we arent asking for more than what they gave our siblings” – If you can’t pay for your own wedding, don’t get married. Money issues is one of the top 5 reasons for divorce (atleast here in North America).

    If your parents want to contribute, thats fine, but you should not be relying on them to pay for your wedding or the “vast majority of it”.

    19 is incredibly young, what’s the rush? Studies show that waiting til 25 decreases your risk of divorce. It’s pretty easy to understand, those under 25, the majority of the time, lack in life experience and communication skills.

    Not only that, but your whole last statement screams immaturity to me. “Im worried they are going to refuse to contribute, which would hurt me because they contributed to my sisters wedding” Like I’ve said before, if you think you’re old and mature enough to get married, pay for the wedding yourselves.

    Your parents are not responsible for your wedding, I don’t give a rats behind what tradition says it’s 2010 almost 2011.

    Don’t mean to come off rude, but facts are facts

  5. Chelsy says:

    wow to much drama little girl maybe you should grow up and move on with your life 😀

  6. samantha m says:

    As much as I love weddings, personally I think you should listen to your parents. You should pay off all of your debts first and then have the wedding you really want instead of settling for the one you can afford now. I also think this would save you a lot of unnecessary drama that I can see happening if you continue planning your wedding. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone be happy with your decisions and be supportive and it sounds like your family isn’t wanting to be either of those things right now. In the end, its up to you and what you think is best. If you feel you’re ready to get married then do it. You could always have a simple ceremony now and have a big party later when you have the means to do so. Good luck!

  7. catfromhades says:

    I think that spending 5-10K on a wedding that lasts a few hours is irresponsible unless you are extremely well-off. Marriage is much more than a one day event.
    Your father is correct in that becoming engaged is making a commitment and not just the starting point of planning a wedding. I think you should think more about what a marriage is, and less about being a princess for a day. So much emphasis on the wedding is an indication that you are a little shy of the maturity one should have when entering into a life-time union. When your commitment to each other and planning a life together become more important than planning a fancy wedding, you will be mature enough to marry. When that happens, you might consider asking your parents to contribute to a down payment on a house rather than a fancy wedding.
    Your parents want you to be happy for life, not just one day.

  8. CindyLu says:

    Honey just ask a question do not give your life story. This is way way too long for this venue. Few will read it all and fewer still will be able to advise. My gut reaction is to postpone this wedding indefinitely. The way you are so concerned with what your parents gave your sister and how you are demanding the same just because that is what she got is showing you severe lack of maturity. They do not approve so why should they pay? You save up and pay for your own wedding if you have to. What they did for your sister has nothing to do with you so stop whining about it and grow up.

  9. BBG says:

    Hon, you have chosen to marry a man who has some financial skeletons in the cupboard. One day he’s making a ton and the next day the recession is his excuse for not being able to fulfill his obligations.

    I suspect your fiancee is a bit of a gambler (a properly run business can withstand a recession if the owner is not over-borrowed and is willing to cut expenses) or why else would he agree to join the army to have them help bail him out of his debts?

    I suspect your family sees him as someone who doesn’t have a CLUE how to behave responsibly when it comes to money. And anyone who has been married for twenty minutes knows that LOVE is not enough.

    Your parents are concerned for your future (as they should be).

    My best advice is this: You are an “adult” woman. You ought to be BEYOND comparing what your sister got to what you got. If you want to get married, get married. In fact, if marriage is the highest priority, it takes a few bucks at the registrar’s office.

    This business about the money for the wedding is ridiculous. You are a GROWN WOMAN and your parents do not owe you ANYTHING. If they do offer you something you ought to express most gracious and humble thanks.

    Only a CHILD would expect to receive what her sister received. A WOMAN would expect to pay for her own marriage.

  10. samantha b says:

    You need to pay off that debt before doing anything else. It will haunt you and hang over your head for your entire marriage and cause so much stress that it will eventually lead to a divorce. Your young and have plenty of time to have a wedding. That’s not what you want to hear, it’s not the fun answer but it’s the grown up thing to do. Before you move on to the future you have to take responsibility for the past.

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