Is this a correct grammar?

July 3rd, 2011

It has to be in present tense…

An exclusive A line halter top neckline Brush train wedding dress hangs on a closet door in this beautiful Victorian bridal suite. Sitting at the vanity table, surrounded by her bridesmaids, is the sexy hot bride, Savannah. She’s applying mascara on her eyelashes.

Just then, frantic and distaught Crissy comes in.

Is there another way or better way to write this?
How?

5 Responses to “Is this a correct grammar?”

  1. Nic says:

    Looks good to me

  2. DONALD P says:

    Pretty good, minor points – a victorian room would have had a wardrobe and dressing table;
    You don’t need hot, sounds as if she is sweating; mascara to her eyelashes.

  3. Stuart says:

    It’s in the correct tense, but I pray that this isn’t a piece of work for something serious written by someone over the age of 16.

    I have no idea what she looks like, you should use break offs to describe stuff: surrounded by her bridesmaids, ‘her hair dancing in the soft breeze, glistening in the morning sun as it playfully splashes through the windows into a room filled with all the glee and excitement that proceeds such an occasion as this’ – veeeeeerry rough

    Throw in some more nice adjectives, and you will paint a nice picture of the room. ‘Suddenly, Chrissy bursts into the room, frantic and distraught as though she had…’ Defintely don’t say comes in, or just then.

    Sorry if this is too lecture like, however it’s nice outside and im stuck in an office =)

  4. Annie says:

    Perhaps ‘in HER beautiful Victorian bridal suite’ and
    ‘She’s applying mascara TO her eyelashes’ .

    ‘Just then, frantic and distraught, Crissy comes in’.

    The only criticism is the first sentence.
    Can the description of the dress be shortened?
    It seems a tad long and has no punctuation.

    Hope this helps πŸ™‚

  5. aklik11 says:

    A better way is to insert more punctuations and try to keep sentences in just one. Another good way is to not be direct and literal(like with Crissy just coming in).

    For example:

    An exclusive A-Line halter top, neckline Brush train wedding dress hangs on a closet door in this beautiful, Victorian bridal suite. Sitting at the vanity table, surrounded by her bridesmaids, is the charming, sexy bride, Savannah, applying mascara on her eyelashes.

    Suddenly, Crissy comes in, frantic and distraught, *insert following sentences :)*

    hope it helped. πŸ˜€

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