Is my sister wrong for marrying at 19?

February 9th, 2011

Okay background:

Her and I have gotten into fights over this marriage thing, when she first told me I congratulated her and her boyfriend. But I made a rule (one that she knew about beforehand) that I would not attend any wedding until gay marriage is legalized here. Friends suggested to attend the wedding b/c I am her brother and we are very close so…I tossed away my personal beliefs for her. That’s fine.

Then we argued about the wedding details, she wants this big I mean huge like 400 guest wedding (she doesn’t know 100 people!) very traditional, the works. I asked her who was going to pay for it, she said that her family should pay for it. We are not wealthy by any means, we get by check by check just like anyone else now a days. So I was outraged that she would demand something like that out of us. Her father mind you was not a present role model in her life yet she picked up the phone and she called him and told him to pay for the wedding and for some very odd reason he said yes. This coming from a man who hates her boyfriend and refused to pay child support for her growing up. But she insisted on me walking her down the aisle saying I was more of a father to her than her own dad. And the church she wants to use is the church we all went to as kids, the same church that literally threw me out for being gay and my sister knows this yet still wants to go there and have me plan it all.

There are so many details but I will bore all of you to tears if I go on. I don’t know where to stand, we got into our last fight last week and she blew everything out of proportion b/c I wanted her to stick to a budget and she wants and wants but doesn’t think of the consequences and her boyfriend is useless in the ‘take action’ department.

I don’t know what to do…I am against this wedding, I think she is too young and immature to get married. Her fiancee is a great guy, I like him but that’s not the issue here.
Pink, you’re absolutely right, but I don’t want to see her a divorcee at 21. You know, I love her soo much, I can’t let her destroy her life.
Drew H: I’m 1 out of 7 here and I definitely understand what you’re saying.

Oberon: I’m gonna have to just bite my tongue and let the show go on

Critty: My mother believes in living life and making your own mistakes. She loves my sister but will not sway her decisions as that would be like stopping a bulldozer once mid swing.

Rawrrrz: It depends on your definition of selfish. If you believed in marriage and equality for all, you wouldn’t have said that. I made my stance long before she decided to get married.

Boom Boom Boy: No need to insult my mother. You don’t know the background story of that scenario to cast judgement. This is between my sister and I not the parents.

16 Responses to “Is my sister wrong for marrying at 19?”

  1. pink says:

    What is right for you, may not be right for someone else and vice versa.

  2. Reef Blastbody, Surfer Dude says:

    Tell her you won’t set foot in a church that abandoned you, not even for her.

  3. Blue Boxer Shorts says:

    well she is making you make alot of compromises for her wedding.
    you should be entitled to your opinion.

    i personally think 19 is too young to be married but hey.

  4. wiseman/guru says:

    Stand back and let her dig her own grave. She is much to young to be married, even to a great guy. She is going to miss the third stage (18-27) of her life. The learning, working, saving, maturing, letting your hair down phase.
    Peace.

  5. Drew H. says:

    I can empathize with you. I am the only gay sibling out of 5 children in my family, and I also sometimes find that my 4 siblings don’t quite understand how their decisions can be offensive to me. However, they are my family, and I support them in their decisions as long as they are not harmful to them or others.

    This is your sister’s wedding you are talking about. Tell her tactfully what you think if you must, but support her in her decisions or you may find your relationship with her very strained for many years.

  6. Laugh It Off =) says:

    Your sister is 19. She an adult. Let her make her own decisions. If she is making the wrong one, then she will know later on in the worst way. There are consequences to the actions we commit. It’s not up to you to decide for her which ones to commit.

  7. Oberon says:

    Wow, this is a tough one.

    I’d approach the situation like this.

    Her dad is paying, right? So, let her have everything she wants that is within that amount he is willing to pay. The dymantics of her relationship with him seems odd, but this scenario isn’t uncommon.

    Be there for her, and do as she wishes. It is her day, after all. Just be a good brother and a great friend to her and bite your tongue. I understand that this will not be easy at all, but I think you can do it. You have already made a concession to attend, so you might as well bite the bullet and follow through completely.

    It is true that she very well might not be prepared to handle a marriage. Most people of that age aren’t. The chances of this marriage ending in divorce is rather high, but that will have to be something she deals with. As you said, she isn’t thinking of the consequences of her actions or desires. Maybe life and the universe itself will have to be her teacher.

    If it were me, I’d sit back and watch all of this unfold like a good soap opera. All in all, you are just an actor in this play. She’s the main character. When it all goes horribly wrong, then you can be safe in the knowledge that you were right all along. She’s going to mess up in her life, and it’s about time she has to take an active role in her destiny.

  8. Critty Creme` de la Creme` says:

    I personally believe it should be illegal for anyone under the age of 25 to marry…gay or straight. Most, and I say most people have not developed the us and we concept until they are 25. Before 25 it’s the me, me, me concept. Sounds to me like your sister is a little spoiled and selfish. I understand this is her day, however with a 50% divorce rate, no way I’d spend all that money. I’m sorry, I would only go so far in compromising my personal beliefs, even for family. If her father is willing to pay, let him pay. But, if I were her, I’d collect up front. He may just leave her and her new husband holding the bag. And up to your eyeballs in debt is no way to start a marriage regardless of age. He’s never been there for her, so why should he cater to her now? Someone needs to have a heart to heart with your sister, not you though, because of the tension already. Could your mom get through to her at least to scale back the wedding?

    Edit: Looks like you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. Good luck with whatever decision you make, however, please remember if you say too many hurtful things now and this marriage lasts….the repercussions later to your relationship with your sister may be non-repairable.

  9. kneady says:

    HELL YES….Life is too short to be trapped by misery and male insecurities! Every time I go to the store I see men/women with kids who look so unhappy. I believe she needs to focus on her future and a career path and be a success for herself and not to take care of him. In the end, she will be so glad that she didn’t do the commitment thing.

  10. Thius says:

    There is nothing wrong with marriage at the age of 19.When they have a child ,there is a structured environment for the child to be raised in.
    There is a record number of children being born out of wedlock these days and it it very sad.Children raised in a single parent household.
    I applaud your sister’s decision.
    Lastly,you are being extremely selfish and self centered.

  11. Stache Man says:

    When you try to argue with a bridezilla, you’re just gonna get burned by her atomic breath.

    I suggest you break away from the planning, etc. Simply tell her that you have too many issues with the church, gay bashing, etc. to do anything other than attend the wedding and give her away. That will be the extent of your participation. No planning, no advising, no coordination. Tell her you’re sorry, but is it causing you too much anxiety. If she persists tell her that it is either this level of participation or none at all. End of discussion.

    You are right that it will probably be a disaster. Obviously she is way too immature to be getting married just by your description of how things are going. I don’t know what her fiance is thinking, but he has his hands full. Typically girls that marry this young in this day and age are running away from something…probably the hurt of her father abandoning her…and she’s trying to replace it.

    Hopefully they wait a few years before popping out kids to make sure this marriage has a chance to work.

  12. Rawrrrz says:

    At the end of the day its her choice, and you have no say in what she does. You can be against her decision all u want, but that probably wont make a difference. “But I made a rule (one that she knew about beforehand) that I would not attend any wedding until gay marriage is legalised here.” That is VERY selfish tbh >.>

  13. Bo0o0o says:

    alright i completely understand ur point of view.
    but let me tell u something… i’m believer of “The world is always revolving around, and we have no idea where we will end up standing”
    it probably doesn’t go like this, but i’ve heard something similar to that….
    anyways, my point is, we don’t really know what the future has in store for us…
    like u said, maybe this wedding is a mistake, they might end up in a divorce later on in the future….
    but the only thing i can tell u that it isn’t how they get to the divorce, or that their relationship is doomed to fail eventually… i think it’s the ride along the way that they must really work on… they will have many times when they will be happy, they will have many times when they wanna kill each other…
    but even if it ends up in them getting a divorce, they will always look back and always know, that no matter that even if one day they end up regretting that decision and regarding it as a teen’s sprout of the moment kinda thing… they will look back and know that they truly loved each other and that despite everything they really enjoyed their relationship…

    now, i think that ur sister is one hell of a smart girl… juicing it out of her father who abandoned her….
    the bastard’s gotta do something nice in his life at least once… i think she just have to enjoy it…

    and now…
    ur and her arguments…
    try to think about these questions, and think of the answer for urself…. maybe it’ll help u in getting along or at least putting up with her whims….

    1) what exactly do u feel towards ur sister?
    2) what do u think ur sister feels towards u?
    3) why would ur sister ask so much of u, when she knows how u feel about weddings and what not?
    4) what do u think ur sister’s church represent for her, even when they kicked u out?
    5) what do u think u could do to make ur sister happy?
    6) if u were in ur sister’s shoes…i mean if it was the other way around, her being thrown out of church, her not agreeing with ur marriage… and all that stuff u guys disagree with…. how do u think she would react? would she be like “go to hell, i ain’t going to ur wedding!”?
    7) what do u think ur role as a brother is ?

    based on what u have written… i’ll answer those questions on my point of view, maybe it can help u out somehow… but ultimately… i think u should answer them on ur own.

    1) i think that if u are willing to go to the church that throws u out, and be in the wedding, which u have always refused to do so for ur sake of ur sister… i think u truly love her

    2) if ur sister is selfish enough to demand u to go out of ur way…. and even more that she wants u to walk her down the aisle as if u were her father… i thikn she truly loves u

    3) i think that if she’s making all these selfish demands, u could see them as her being immature… but i can see them as u being a very important person in her life who she really wants to be there for her in such an important occasion such as her wedding…i think she really loves u

    4) i think that the church is a very important part in her life… she grew up going there… so i think that she would like to make some more pleasurable memories in a place that was very important in her growing up

    5) IF you want to make ur sister happy… i think u should support her… she really wants u there… so why not give ur support as her wedding present? at least for ur sister’s sake

    6) i think that she would do it 4 u… even if she didn’t agree with it… i think ur sister loves u… so why can’t u do it 4 her?

    7) i think it’s to support her… no matter what kinda mistakes she makes, no matter how much of a brat she is… she will always be ur sister… i don’t really know, but since it seems that u r out of the closet, and it seems that ur sister loves u so much… i don’t think she’s ever judged u for being gay…. i’ve met some gay guys who have been shone by their family… don’t u think u r quite fortunate to have such a supporting sister?

    u only live life once… u don’t know what each day will bring, and even if she’s too young to be getting married…. i think that’s an important decision that she’s already made in her life… and even if later on she comes to getting a divorce… i think she will always love the fact that she was able to marry the man that she once loved, even if someday that flame of love is no longer there…. and she will be even proud to have had her family there to support her…

    i think that the one thing u should try to make her to rethink a lil more is the cost of the wedding…. but then again… it is her dad who has never done anything for her that is paying for it…. so go ahead and support her…
    but try to think about those things i told u about on ur own…. it’s ur choice to whether u will be there for her or not….

  14. Bacardi & Coke please Myfanwy says:

    I think there are a couple of seperate issues here.

    Firstly, whats the reason she wants to get married? How long has she been with her partner? Is it a shot-gun wedding?

    Secondly, is the money and size of wedding. I think that it is incredibly selfish to insist that any family pays for an extravagant wedding in the current economic climate. If she’s getting married for the right reasons, the wedding itself is irrelevant. Its the sanctity, benefits, responsibility of the act thats important. Whether her marriage is a success or not will have nothing to do with the size of the event.

    I dont know how much a wedding like that is going to cost. My guess is something in excess of $15,000 all in? My own wedding cost use less than $1500 dollars and it was as special as any other I’ve been to.

    You’re in a really difficult situation and I don’t envy you. Its a no-win situation.

    My bottom line advice – refuse to pay out. Then she’ll be faced with deciding whether she really wants to marry, or just have a big party.

    Best of luck.

  15. Boom Boom Boy says:

    Well, see, the way things go. You either teach som’on the right way to do things, or you let them learn by doin’ the wrong things. Your sister is a dumba**, probably due to her mom f*ckin’ a no good baby daddy, so she was messed up, an picked a messed up baby daddy. So this girl is dumb, an gotta learn things the hard way. You don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. If you don’t wanna go, don’t go. But just relax, an stop tryin’ to control things you can’t, an let her fall an learn this the hard way. So what if she gets annulled a week later? Big stupid mistakes, mean big stupid learnin’. If her dumba** father wants to support a wedding that’s gonna get annulled in a week, haha to them. I’d just go for the food.

    Edit: It’s common for one to feel the parent who didn’t abandon them has no faults. But it’s your mother’s fault for getting her a** pregnant twice with a no good boy, who ain’t even a man, an who ran off, an not supported her or her chirllin. That’s all I need to know, to know that she has problems, an it sounds like she passed them onto her daughter, whose lookin’ for men to be her daddy figure.

  16. Frances Carodine says:

    she is family at 4th july one of nephrew son use the f word which was upsetting to me

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