Is it a bad sigh he won’t marry me?

February 15th, 2011

I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years now. In that time we have never actually lived together, we are not engaged and have no immediate plans to marry. I must admit that I have been as much as a factor in our not living together etc for a long time. We are both quite drifty people and find it hard to make a decision. I lived at home for a number of years in my late 20’s to care for my ill father and he spent some time working overseas when I would only see him once a month.

I was never desperate to get married or in any rush to have kids but now I am in my 30’s I would like for us to move in together and think about getting married. I don’t want a big wedding just us and out parents and siblings followed up by a meal. I don’t want a fancy dress or diamond ring but I’d like the commitiment.I guess it not that the marriage as such is so important it’s more the personal commitment and promise to each other. If we talk about it he say you said you never wanted to get married ( I was like 17 when I said that) and that he’s not the marrying kind although more often he says at some point in the future. I feel like I don’t know if he doesn’t want to marry “me” or if he really is just against marriage he’s pretty conservative and traditional in every other way though. It would be nice to know that he would marry me if you see what I mean. I guess many women start to worry at my age about being left after giving your best years to someone.

Perhaps I am worrying for no reason as I do believe he loves me and I love him very much.

What do you think?
Kids are more difficult as I have an issue which means I would require IVF. We are both still unsure if we would want to go though with that. I’d prefer to adopt but by partner either wants to have his own kids or none.

11 Responses to “Is it a bad sigh he won’t marry me?”

  1. Jessica says:

    14 yrs? He doesn’t have any intentions of marrying you.

  2. Fierce says:

    14 years and no sign of change. I think its time to move on!

  3. Kayleigh says:

    Yeah, it means he doesn’t want any ties to you. I’d tell you that you need to pursue what you want but you don’t sound like you know either. Until one of you is clear on what you want this relationship is going to lead exactly where it has the last 14 years. Nowhere.

  4. sacredclay says:

    I think you already know the answer to this. Move along and find another man who is more accessible to you than this one. Just because you think you’ve been in your mind with him for 14 years doesn’t mean you have to pretend to for another 14. Wake up and smell the coffee.

  5. manny k. says:

    Your biological clock is ticking
    and what about kids?
    You are not specific enough.
    Please rate

  6. say it all... says:

    Tell him you are ready and you have changed your mind…If he doesn’t want to marry you will have to decide if that’s enough of a deal breaker for you to break up with him and move on with your life and find someone that wants to get married.

  7. stephanie_6234 says:

    if he wanted to marry you, you would know it. You’ve made it real comfy for him though so he might not be so quick to want to change the conveneint arrangement you two have going….but most men will tell the woman they love that they want to marry them and it doesnt take 14 years…so if after 14 years you are in doubt about it…chances are, he doesnt want to get married…and why should he when this arrangement has been working real well for him so far.

  8. Notso Handy says:

    You aren’t bound on any point of honor to “never want to get married”. You can change you mind if you change your mind. It wasn’t exactly a solemn vow, and he is not protected by law or custom from you wanting to marry!!!!

    You have a right to say “I want more, I want commitment, and protection, not just affection.”

    He doesn’t have to want it too; there’s the rub.

    Ask him to consider it and then weigh your own best options. Stay or go? Up to you.

  9. ablex says:

    A marriage is no more a commitment than the last 14 years have been.
    Divorce is easy. If he’s with you now, after all those years, odds are he isn’t going anywhere.

    By the way, I noticed you have your wedding all planned out, but neglected to mention whether you have ever talked to him about children. Are you both on the same page in that respect?

  10. littlemisslovely says:

    what’s wrong with you people? 14 years, now move on?!

    dude, he LOVES you, you LOVE him, your love has lasted for 14 years now. THAT IS HUGE! and it inspires me. on that – congrats.

    about marriage, well, it seems that he isn’t going anywhere, and he will be with you. also, moving in together may mean more than signing a stupid paper.

    the legal contract has nothing to do with love. it can only ruin things. work on moving in together, on having kids if you both want them. make a deal, talk.

    it’s beautiful that you have been together for so long. 🙂

  11. Lilly says:

    If he were against marriage but not against living together and having kids, then i´d say he truly is agaisnt the concept of marriage.
    In this scenario, i think he is really scared of commitment. 14 years is a very long time.. the relationship needs to move forward or be discontinued. I recommend counseling. If that doesn´t work, leave him.
    I know lots of women in their 30´s who left their partners (after lonnnng relationships) and within a year had met someone knew and were planning on a baby!

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