I’m in a bind… proper etiquette question…?

October 18th, 2010

We began out wedding plans planning for a church wedding. We already have 4 attendants involved (his brother, his friend, my sister, & my cousin) the flower girl and the ringer bearer (his cousins) but we are paying for this ourselves. A lot of the family involved can’t afford to purchase their attire so in a bind for the perfect wedding we offered, bad move!! We are now looking at over $1500 in clothing alone!! YOu add in decorations, flowers, (the church and hall are free), the food to feed about 100 guests and wow! we are starting out in debt!! We decided that the wedding we were planning is more for others entertainment then for us so we want to go get married in a private ceremony (just the immediate family) in Virginia Beach. How do i tell everyone that is already planning to be involved that the big wedding is off without hurting feelings???

9 Responses to “I’m in a bind… proper etiquette question…?”

  1. It's Her Again!! says:

    If at all possible, let each person know face to face. If they live out of the area, then a phone call. Simply explain that rather than spend money you don’t have on a wedding, the two of you have chosen to focus on beginning your marriage right – without debt. I’m sure they will understand. Congratualtions for putting your financial realities ahead of a fantasy. Your marriage and the life you have together is what is important.

  2. mrs_G says:

    Be honest and tell them you don’t want to be in debt as newlyweds. Have a big casual reception soon after the wedding–you can rent a hall or have it at a rec center, and do the food yourself. Sloppy joes, hot turkey or ham sandwiches, beans, potato salad, like that. And definitely buy lots of beer!

    This way, they will at least get to celebrate your happiness. Good luck for a long & happy marriage!

  3. Alison B says:

    Tell the truth. The best way is to NOT beat around the bush. If you wait too long to tell them, there will be a less chance that everyone will understand. They will wonder why you waited so long to tell them, when they went ahead and made plans and bought gifts to be there. Of course, they could still send the gifts, but the disappointment will still be there for them to deal with. And for you to deal with, there will be hurt feelings pointed at you.

    If they are truly your friends and love you, they will understand that it is more important to see their friend (you) in love and debt free rather than the opposite.

    HAVE A GREAT DAY! And I hope I helped…

  4. Hillary says:

    I would get the family together. Do a conference call or get-together and explain that if you have to pay for all of the clothes, the budget will be shot and you’ll have to reconsider even having a big wedding. I think that an announcement like that would spur a few family members to offer to pay for a dress or two, or even to contribute more than their share.
    If you tell everyone the deal and no one can help, then you can go to Plan B and have a small wedding without them, but I think that it will make them reconsider and try to make it work.

  5. Ms. X says:

    Talk to everyone preferably in person or if not by phone. As a group is good, but individually will work too. Tell them that while planning the wedding, you discovered that they’re more expensive than you realized: You realized you would need to go into debt to pay for the big wedding you were planning. And that you definitely don’t want to start off your marriage in debt. Therefore, you will be scrapping the plans for the big wedding and will instead get married in a private ceremony with just the immediate family in Virginia Beach.

    That’s all you need to tell them. I would not mention a word about the specifics nor the attire. I think they will understand. Everyone knows weddings are expensive and that it’s a bad idea to begin a marriage in debt.

    Best of luck to you.

  6. alexbeauty333 says:

    My advice to you would be: When are you getting married? If you have a decent amount of time left start putting money aside. That’s waht I did and we are paying for our wedding in ALL CASH.

  7. benitadoeshair says:

    Just tell them you can’t afford the bigger wedding after thinking about all that would have to be included in it. They can’t get mad. Well, they can, but it is sill if they do. In all weddings I was in, I would have rather just watched from the audience anyways… Too much hassel! They will enjoy it anyways!

  8. Blossomo says:

    I admire you — you and your fiance came to the very smart realization that it’s not worth starting a marriage in debt. Good for you!

    I think that honesty is the best policy. Talk to each of the participants and let them know that you guys reevaluated your finances, and the original wedding plans didn’t work, in view of your longer term financial goals. Be sure to thank them for being willing to be in your wedding (as it was originally planned).

    Good luck with your private wedding, and congratulations!

  9. iloveweddings says:

    Hi. I agree with telling people face to face (if possible.) Really, these are either family members (his brother; your sister; your cousin) and then his friend. All of those people obviously love and care about you. They will not be hurt. Hopefully they will say….”gee, I wish I could be there for you, but I totally understand!”

    If it was me, I would surely understand. Just explain that your costs have skyrocketed to the point of being more than you can afford and it is not possible for you and your fiance to host that kind of wedding.

    To be honest, you are so lucky to have figured this out now. There are many on here who, like you, get caught up in the “perfect day.” Things spiraled out of their control but it was already too late for them. Everything had been planned and paid for.

    I think your lovely, intimate wedding in Virginia Beach sounds wonderful! I hope you have a beautiful day!

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