I just found out my husband cheated on me before we were married. Should I stay with him?

May 12th, 2011

My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got engaged. We had a year long engagement and got married 7 months ago. Now I am pregnant with our first child. I just found out that during our 3rd year of dating, he was away on a business conference and had sex with another girl. He kept in contact on and off with her over e-mail on the phone for a year and then on another business trip, he visited her and had sex with her again! That was 3 months before he proposed. She wanted to move to our area for work and partly to be with him but he said he had a girlfriend (but not that he had one the whole time). He saw her one other time after that when she was here for eight weeks and they did not have sex this time and both understood that this was the end of their relationship. If we were not married, I would break up with him. My problem is that I am Catholic and I made a commitment to him and God to be with him no matter what on our wedding day. When we got married, we were so happy and living the dream life. We were both changed people. Then I found some e-mails that he wrote to this girl and got suspicious. I asked him about her. He lied about their relationshp until I told him I had contacted that girl and he finally told me the truth. He said that before he proposed to me, he didn’t feel like our relationship was permanent, but once we got married, he felt completely committed and has been happier than he had ever been in his life. I believe that because I felt the same way. He said he was scared of commitment, felt pressure to marry me, and we argued a lot about it at the time which he admits was no excuse. I think it was wrong of him and if he was so guilty, he would not have kept in contact with her for a year and met up with her a second time before we got engaged. I really don’t know what to do. He promised to make me the happiest person in the world if I give him a chance. He is changing jobs so he won’t have to travel anymore since I obviously would not trust him. I love him but I also love myself and think to honor myself, I should leave him. What kind of man with morals would do this? My problem is that I am religious and feel like I can’t break that commitment I made to God and to him. What should I do?

25 Responses to “I just found out my husband cheated on me before we were married. Should I stay with him?”

  1. maztek says:

    Trust him and he will always remain yours

  2. Natalia says:

    its your choice but, cheating usually happens again!

  3. Will says:

    You made a committment to him that is contingent on the way he treats you. God doesn’t expect you to stay with and be miserable with someone who is disrespectful, cheats on you, and will certainly do it again.

    You are right…he didn’t feel guilty. This wasn’t a one-time fling. This was a full-fledged affair he lied to you about for over a year. He was living a double life. You will never trust him again.

    Talk to your bishop or whoever it is in your church. Sure you made a committment, but God wants you to be happy and loved.

  4. Saya says:

    Do not stay with him just because you have his child.

  5. fallenbose says:

    I imagine you’ll get a thousand answers telling you that the “real” commitment began when you got married….a nice copout since most people are moral copouts to begin with. The character of a person does not change simply because he puts a ring on.
    *Divorce his ass. He falsely represented himself to you, essentially the man you made a commitment to God with does not exist, therefore neither does this particular vow you took before God.

  6. Candice Zamora says:

    You got married under false pretenses if you had known you wouldn’t get married. If you know you can’t forgive him then i say take a break and see how you feel before getting divorced. If things change and you can trust and forgive him then you know you can have a healthy marriage and can move on. Pray

  7. Nana Butterfly says:

    I muscled through a few sentences of your marathon book report, and almost left you too 🙂

    Seriously though, keep your man.. He had sex , but didn’t give up his heart. His heart is with you.
    I would put this behind you and never bring it up again, and he will shower you with love. If you ask about this , he will only distance him self from you ….

    Good luck !

  8. Fantastiq R says:

    I save give him a chance take him to church where he can announce his sins if he’s not willing to embarrass himself the way he embarrassed you that tells you how genuine his apology is he doesn’t regret but if he does then start over fresh give yourself a shot a good marriage and don’t let the before stage bother you that was just the build up

  9. StarGazer says:

    Before you jump into divorce: slow down (though I know it is extremely hard). Breathe. Has he been a good husband throughout these years that you’ve been married? Remember he is willing to change his job to show his loyalty to your marriage…I once believed that infidelity would be immediate death of a marriage, but now I think differently. He loves you now. If you know this to be true, and you know that you still love him, it is definitely worth it to work things out. You are having a baby with this man. The baby deserves to have a mommy and a daddy.

    If you do decide to try to work this out with him (which I hope you do), try not to punish…but rather find ways to make your marriage even better. It’s the only way to healing, and being happy. Good luck. So sorry 🙁

  10. lildivinci says:

    You stated a few times that you are religious. This is one of those time that you must have faith in your religion. Forgive him, truly, truly forgive, then move on. Men that can trust you with the truth are good men. Albeit, he didn’t come clean on his own, trust that he chose you over the other girl for what it is worth – commitment. I don’t think you would need to worry about this guy ever cheating again, but he has been deceitful in the past. My concern would be if this female came into the picture trying to friend either of you. Letwhat happen go and try to be happy. If you simply cannot forgive him because it is very hard to let that go, let him go and let him go fully. If not you are going to spend the rest of your marriage punishing him consciously or subtly.

  11. Not the likely suspect says:

    This is an unfortunate situation.

    First off Congratulations on the baby try not to stress because it is not good for you or your baby.

    Most women think that they have to leave because they are not going to made a fool and lots of people will give you that same advice.

    If you truly love someone unconditionally then that is what you do love them unconditionally and not run for the hills at the first sign of trouble.

    Love is not always going to be sunshine and roses and your husband made a mistake. You may ask him why and he may not have the answers that you want but you have to remember that people do things sometimes without any reasoning of why.

    What would you want from him if the situation where reversed? You would want to be forgiven I am sure. So you give what you would like to receive.

    I am sure that he loves you and that he wants to be with you sometimes it takes a big mistake to realize what wonder and beauty that you really have in your own hands.

    Let him know that you love him and enjoy your pregnancy and the birth of your child together.

    Take the high road and it will make him realize even more what a strong wonderful women that he married.

  12. DEFINATELY BLESSED says:

    Check it out for yourself: God allows divorce if it is due to adultery…it is written in the bible for you to discover for yourself. I will not supply it for you ___LET NO MAN/WOMAN PUT ASUNDER___. So, if you really want to divorce him, you have that right; however, if you trust that he has really changed and will make you #1…then hang in there. It is your choice.

  13. MEJJ says:

    I know all is said and done but I have to ask:

    If you knew that he cheated and kept in touch with the woman during the duration of your engagement, why would you marry him?

    You’re in a tough situation. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to properly answer this except to say: I would have immediately broken off the engagement and never looked back. So, in so many words..I suppose the closest second choice to that would be: remove yourself entirely from your current situation.

    I hope you have a means of keeping it together emotionally, whatever you decide. May you be Guided towards your right path…

    Good luck:). Answer mine?: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmWKKuv4CzUCojrPKqTZdabty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20101027202951AAJHyma

  14. Maxrubs says:

    What a c#nt!! I think you should put him through some torturous woman scorned type sh#t and see if he can remain true and keen under pressure. If he passes the tests keep him. He owes you big time.

  15. Myth_Understood says:

    No marriage = no commitment. Anything that happened before the wedding happened before you made the final commitment to God and each other. When he had sex with the other chick, you weren’t even engaged yet, so I think you have to take him at his word, and find a way to let it go.

    While you were dating, and until the minute you got married, you were both still free. Granted, you were boyfriend/girlfriend, but because you became his wife and made that covenant, you can’t leave him.

    He is changing jobs and is doing his best to make it up to you. Give him the chance, and after he has proven himself worthy of staying and you are ready to move on and forgive, never bring this up again. Put it behind you, and move on. This doesn’t mean forgive and forget, because you’ll never forget. Forgiveness simply means that you’re not fighting it anymore. You have accepted what happened, and are able to come to terms with it. You don’t agree with it, you don’t like it, but you’ve made peace with it and are now able to not let it dictate your life any longer. When you are ready to do that, then you have to live it and not bring it up E V E R again.

    If you need the passwords to all of his emails, then he should give them to you. If you need for him to check in all the time, then he should check in all the time. If you want to see his cellphone for texts or to look at the record of calls and stuff, then he should show it to you. If you ask him to jump through hoops of fire, then he should jump through hoops of fire. He should do whatever you need him to do in order to feel secure. Trust is a fragile thing, and he has to understand that, and NEVER ask you how long it will take for you to be over this. EVER EVER EVER. It takes as long as it takes, and because he lied to you, he needs to understand that this was HIS idea and never complain about it.

    I really hope that you take this to heart, and that I was helpful to you.

    God bless, and I wish you the best of luck

    If he cheats again, all bets are off. I’ll even hold him down for you.

  16. Irv S says:

    It was ‘before’. That’s when you do your ‘experimenting’.
    So he ‘cheated’ 15Mo.s before you married and 22Mo.s ago????
    He chose you.
    He appears to take the marriage vow seriously.
    Leave the past in the past.

  17. yggdrasil777 says:

    “Once a cheater, always a cheater…”

    That’s what they say, whoever “they” are.

    What do YOU say? Well, we already know what you said. Here’s what I say (with a little bit of what you said)…

    “That was 3 months before he proposed.” Finding all the skeletons in the closet within the first year of marriage can crack and, in most case, even destroy the very foundation that marriage is built on.

    Trust. Commitment. Loyalty.

    Does your husband have any of those traits in him? If you can honestly look at your husband after waking up from a nice sleep and think to yourself that you see those three traits in him, then there’s no reason for you to worry any further about this. You can consider it case closed. I don’t think you’ll have much more trouble.

    Three months before he proposed was a long time ago, your husband was a different person then. First, he was not your husband. Second, he was probably not your boyfriend. I can’t judge that either for or against him. What happened during that time that would make him think you were not his girlfriend? I’m not condoning cheating, nor if he had properly cheated. What I am saying is to look at the situation as it was. Not as it is. So what happened over a year and a half ago (according to your timetable)?

  18. I Am That girl says:

    I know this is hard for you I had a similar experience with my husband although he did not had sex with her.
    2 months after getting married I saw my myspace trash box and saw some messages from a girl I read them and they were sent 1 week before my wedding saying “dont get married with him he loves me, we always talk and he came to visit and we had a great time together, he told me about you and said he cant leave you but he loves me dont marry him.” there were about 3 messages of her saying the same thing and somethings only he knew and told her. she lives in another state. I asked him if it was true and if he loved her and he said “no shes crazy I never said anything like that to her she was the one trying to get with me but I told her I was getting married” blah blah I called her and she never denied it he says shes crazy. anyways after that I didnt trust him much, although he was good all them time, I believe him but I still have that incident in the back of my mind.. and sometimes have trust issues with him I wonder if hes always telling the truth, (he doesnt know this)
    if hes changing jobs its because he cares for you, give him a chance but if you suspect he ever does it again then divorce him you cant live unhappy.. but it seems like he does love you and wants to be with you. or else why did he propose to you? even after he had sex with another girl.? he loves YOU. give him a chance if he cheats again then go..

  19. Rock, Paper, Scissors says:

    I believe that if that woman was standing in front of him and there’s no way he would get caught, he’d do it again. If you accept this, he will know that you are willing to stay with a cheater. Do you really want to wait for that to happen?

  20. lunargirl says:

    First of all I’m truly sorry that you are going thru this as a newlywed and esp while pregnant. On the one hand you could look at it like your marriage was a lie and really if it were me I would question his story as probably a partial truth. They didn’t have sex the last time? Doubt it. I mean a one night stand or even a few week thing is one thing but to keep in contact with her for a year and then plan these reunions with you clueless all the while? I mean it really makes you wonder what else you may not know about from those 5 years.

    HOWEVER…you are married, you are having his baby, so it’s not just as easy as walking away. Yes, people make mistakes, and he very well may be a changed man now who is totally committed to you. If it were me, I would probably stay with him. He certainly has a LOT of making up to do, including building back your trust. If you do stay, make sure you hold him to these promises he’s making to you. Men are great about saying those things when they are caught and then getting tired of it and wanting you to ‘get over it’ on their terms. At the same time, if you stay make sure you believe you can forgive him in time and move on. There’s no time limit, but you can’t punish him forever. So think about that too. Maybe something like a private vow renewal, just the two of you would be nice on your anniversary. And of course counseling is always an option. Do whatever you need to to reduce your stress and take care of yourself for the baby. Good luck to you.

  21. sticks-n-stones says:

    Sorry this is a long answer, I hope you can learn from my experience. It really seems like you are a very intelligent woman. I am glad to read that you admit your wedding union is a vow taken under God. It really seems like he was lost and unsure, before you married. I was married 16 years to my high school sweetheart, together 19 years. We have 3 children. We had the perfect marriage and family. We both worked 1st shift jobs. He worked a much earlier 1st shift than I. He also got out of work about 2 hours earlier than I, every day. This time frame allowed him to carry out his long term addiction. He was home every night and all weekend. Never a clue to expect anything of wrong doing. I had found out by shear accident. I mentioned an incident and laughed, thinking it was a mess up. He got a look on his face, crawled over to where I was sitting on the couch (the kids where at Grandmas, thank God). He took my hand and told me he had been waiting and waiting for something to happen so he could get the guts to tell me of his sex addiction. My heart went to my stomach. I became instantly ill and shocked. Couldn’t cry, talk or move. I asked him all the details. He gave me both barrels. It was so much more than I could ever imagine him ever doing. He begged for me to help him get help. He explained it was a real addiction and he still loved me and I was his wife. I decided to stick by him for 3 more years! I remained loyal and cried every morning, night and lunch hour. Every day he went to his counselor was a constant reminder of what had happened. It was awful, day by day hell. Not being able to move forward or forgive because of the constant reminder. One day, I felt the woman’s intuition and decided to confront him. I told him that I knew he had been failing. I honestly did not know. He admitted it. I divorced him. I am newly remarried and my new hubby is wonderful. The kids adore him. I have to say that my ex is an excellent father and we are friendly. There isn’t a day that goes by, that I do not feel lost. I am Christian and know the Adultery during marriage is a sin and my marriage is excused in Gods eyes. I feel like my husband has been ripped out from under me. It was my decision to divorce him and I feel the unfinished business every day. I love my new hubby and would never leave or cheat. My chances to find out “what if” are over. I will never know. Your hubby cheated before marriage, be happy that he didn’t do it in marriage. Please, give him the chance I wish I had taken or you will feel all the pain I have felt. The worse thing is seeing him with another woman in his arms after you divorce. Trust him, give him faith, you won’t regret it. God Bless, pray for guidance.

  22. Onya says:

    Marriage/relationships are built on trust sweetie and once that foundation is broken it’s hard to recover in fact almost impossible because it will be with you for the rest of your life. If you can’t live with that for the rest of your life then I suggest you leave and don’t look back.

    Good luck!

  23. John S says:

    you can cheat on him with me 😉

  24. Phoenix21 says:

    One thing God has said was ” forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespasses against us” the bible is filled with scriptures about forgiveness, so be careful where & how u bring religion into a story (& i don’t mean to judge in anyway)

    What i believe he did was to make sure about his feelings for u, his relationship with you & his future…i know what he did was wrong, but too many people make the mistake of going head first into something without really being sure about his decision…he had to make sure, he had a different option & his love for you won over…u can bet when he said his marriage vows, he meant every word & he was sure of himself & his commitment to u…

    sure no women wants to know that their partner had to cheat to make sure but sometimes people (men & women) does that..but u can bet u have the full attention of the man u wanted & he will make u happy in every way possible…he shouldn’t have kept what he did from u & im sure he feels guilty for it..but walking away might be the biggest mistake u ever did…punishing someone for a past mistake

    come to the realization that he knew without a doubt that u are the one he should spend his future with…he choose u…& kept to his vows every since. Learn to have a forgiving heart..u going to need to when your children hurts u some day as well

  25. carol says:

    His past actions now tell you what he is capable of.
    He was in a relationship for 5 years with you and during the third year he cheated on you.
    He deceived you by not telling you what was going on and by not giving you the choice if you wanted to marry him let alone father your child.
    Although he was not married to you it does not matter because to date for 3 years is the same as being committed to one person.
    He had his fun on the side and took it on himself to still think that he deserved you after risking what he had with you.
    For example what if he had contacted an std or had gotten this woman pregnant during his escapade?
    He has hurt your faith and trust in him especially since he did not come clean on his own with it.
    Just because he was afraid of commitment did not give him the right to not be afraid to cheat and keep important information from you.
    This was not a one night stand because he thought to continue to interact with her and would make me wonder what really went on within the 8 weeks she was here?
    Being religious does not mean that God would expect you to feel miserable with someone that deceived you.
    Regardless of anything here you both need to be in counseling so that he understands how this has affected you.
    Whatever this man was going through at at this time whatever made him think he would find an answer by getting another woman involved?
    Trust this… if this other woman and him had hit it off he would have never married you in the first place.
    He has a lot of fences here to mend with you because the information you discovered has changed your whole view on how you look at him now.
    Through counseling he needs to clearly undertand that if he ever thinks to cheat on you again that the relationship will be over and that’s the bottom line.
    Actions have consequences and if he does truly love you and is sincere in his heart now he better be able to carry you and your feelings through this….. untill you can learn how to live with it.

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