Help with daughters wedding. Need your opinions please!?

May 6th, 2011

I was married to my ex-husband for 21 years. I had asked a priest for guidance concerning our marital situation. He said, “You won’t hear this from a priest too often, but you need to divorce this man”. I followed my ex-husband (husband at the time) through out his 20+ years in the military. He was controlling and abusive. My divorce was over 11 years ago. Since then, both my ex and I have remarried.
The problem is my daughter. She will be getting married later this year. She is 27yrs old. She is planning on having her wedding at her father’s house. (I have no issues with that, it’s what she wants)
She has requested that I not bring my current husband. I have been married to him for 10 years. This man is the love of my life and supports any decision I make.
My daughter is not inviting any of my side of the family. I would be at the wedding alone.
My ex’s family is quite large. I haven’t seen them since I divorced my ex. Of course to his family, I was the reason for the divorce.
I feel like I would be walking into an ambush by going alone. None of my family, or friends will be at the wedding. I would be isolated. (Which is the way her father treated me during our marriage).
My daughter resents me for divorcing her father.
I DO realize that it is HER day.
I have been there for my daughter. Helped her in any way I could. Always trying to make up to her for her feelings of resentment.
This time, I really don’t know what to do. Our relationship isn’t close because she wishes it that way. I don’t want added resentment toward me for not going to her wedding. I also don’t want to be a target for her resentment or any humiliation and embarrassment.
There is also the reception. The dances. Do I sit at a table alone, keep my mouth shut and watch???

Please let me know what you think….

Thank you in advance.
Just found out, the wedding will not be held at her fathers house. It will be held in a public place. And yes, my ex’s wife will be there.

12 Responses to “Help with daughters wedding. Need your opinions please!?”

  1. Britt says:

    Your daughter sounds like a total brat. Go to the wedding, congratulate, then leave. No need to go to the reception, if she refuses to let you have anyone to talk to.

  2. Iron_Nik says:

    That is a very hard situation I almost feel like you should just write this down and give it to your daughter to read but keep out the part about your relationship being strained because she wishes it that way part. I say write it out because when talking things can get heated and sometimes points are lost. Perhaps she is just not seeing things the way you are. To say you wouldn’t go without your husband would probably be fuel for a fire just remind her that you are married. If it comes down to it and you go alone then maybe just cut the reception short for yourself. It sounds like a tough situation I’m sorry anyone has to go through something like this because family is a blessing and sometimes we overlook it.

  3. LytraGeek says:

    It sounds to me like you need to have a big chat with her, because it doesn’t sound as though she’s accepted your divorce. Tell her how you feel (what you wrote above) and ask her why, if she has done it on purpose. Maybe ask her straight out about her acceptance of your divorce. Does she know why she feels like she does?
    You’re in a tough position, I know. Maybe go for the main parts of the wedding? Explain to your daughter why you don’t want to go, but also tell her why you do want to.
    I hope things work out for you Hun.
    Xx

  4. UMMM Ok says:

    Don’t even think about not going to your daughters wedding because of this..it is only one day you have to deal with this and its for your child..and like you said it its her day just keep that in mind…if u don’t want to be alone then maybe invite a girlfriend of yours that she wouldn’t mind u bringing…I understand your feelings and how awkward this will be but I’m pretty sure you’ve faced worse situations in your life and got over them

  5. Paula12481632 says:

    Bluntly, I wouldn’t go without my husband. Don’t argue, don’t whine, just lay down the law: if he can’t come, I’m not going.

    It is a serious slap in the face to not invite him, or not invite spouses in general. Especially since you’ll be alone amongst your ex’s family.

    It is possible for exes and new spouses to be in the same room on a wedding day. I’ve seen it with my own parents.

  6. fizzy stuff says:

    I don’t think there’s one right answer. You could attend the wedding only and skip the reception. This would allow you to keep some level of communication going with your daughter. Who knows maybe one day in the future she will chAnge her attitude and things between you two will improve. There are few things more regrettable in life than pArent and child who don’t speak. However you cannot waste your time simply hoping.

    On the other hand no one could blame you for not attending. A married couple is always invited in pairs, they are a unit. By attending alone you send the message that you can be bullied by them. By not attending you are saying that you respect yourself and your husband.

    I’m sure I haven’t said anything revelatory or earth shattering in my answer. Just saying that this could go either way only you can follow your heart.

  7. faith burke says:

    Im so sorry
    i have to say this yes it is her day &her wedding BUT! In a way its your day to
    you have raised her took care of her &waited for this day just as long as she has
    She isnt being very attentive to your feelings
    I understand you love her &i understand why she may be doing this since its his house &may want to avoid aquardness
    but doesnt she know that your going to be the odd one out? you really need to tell her how you feel
    Heck if you helped with $ id pull that card lol jk
    I wish you the best

  8. Tinker balla says:

    Is her Dad paying for the wedding? If he’s funding it, then he gets to call the shots. That may be part of the problem, and if your daughter isn’t paying then it doesn’t really matter what she wants for you, whoever pays gets to make the final call on pretty much everything.

    You need to respect that she does not want her stepdad there, even though she is probably wrong for treating you both this way. Is there someone else you could bring, a friend or a sister? As your daughter nicely if you can bring one guest, someone who she can approve beforehand. Tell her you want to respect her wishes, but you also don’t want to be totally alone without anyone to talk to. Tell her you just want everything to go smoothly and peacefully and for everyone to have a good time.

    If she says yes, then good. If she says no, then I think she is intentionally trying to make you not attend.

    Yes your daughter is being kind of a brat, but there isn’t much you can do about it at this point. If she really won’t let you bring anyone at all, go to the ceremony but not the reception.

  9. nova_queen_28 says:

    Honestly, your daughter is DEAD WRONG and ought to have been raised to have more respect for you and your husband. Like the situation or not, you have a husband and just basic etiquette states that married couples are to be invited to a wedding together.

    ONLY because this is your daughter, I think you should attend the ceremony and leave. If she asks why tell her because of how she has disrespected you and your husband. At least you will have seen her take her vows and won’t be forced to have a great deal of contact with people during the ceremony.

  10. HIS! says:

    Your daughter is totally wrong to invite one part of a married couple and not the other.

    You have every right to ask her this. “If [husband] isn’t invited, then I’m assuming [dad’s new wife] isn’t invited as well?” If she says, of course she’s coming, then simply reply with “Then I’ll bring [husband] as well. We’ll see you there.”

    If she balks and throws a fit, simply hang up the phone. I wouldn’t dare walk into a situation like you’re describing. It obvious the dad has influenced your daughter into thinking his controlling and abuse is normal. And for that, I feel sad for you. But right now, you have to protect yourself.

  11. Because I Said So says:

    it really sucks that a 27 year old would act this way. how childish. hopefully you can appeal to her sensibility if she has any and ask her to see it from your POV. it’s rude to invite any guest without their spouse, if for no other reason than it’s boring to sit alone during the reception. after dinner it would be awkward for you. in the end you have to go because like you said, it’s about her and you don’t want to miss out on what may be her only wedding.

  12. saneyaya says:

    That is a horrible way for your daughter to treat you. I would not go to the wedding, and just invite the newlyweds to dinner at a restaurant, with my husband of course, at a later date. Going to the wedding is futile for you. Your daughter will have the option of refusing your invitation or not showing up, but you and your husband can still enjoy a meal, which is why I recommend a restaurant instead of inviting them to your home.
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Help with daughters wedding. Need your opinions please!?

May 6th, 2011

I was married to my ex-husband for 21 years. I had asked a priest for guidance concerning our marital situation. He said, “You won’t hear this from a priest too often, but you need to divorce this man”. I followed my ex-husband (husband at the time) through out his 20+ years in the military. He was controlling and abusive. My divorce was over 11 years ago. Since then, both my ex and I have remarried.
The problem is my daughter. She will be getting married later this year. She is 27yrs old. She is planning on having her wedding at her father’s house. (I have no issues with that, it’s what she wants)
She has requested that I not bring my current husband. I have been married to him for 10 years. This man is the love of my life and supports any decision I make.
My daughter is not inviting any of my side of the family. I would be at the wedding alone.
My ex’s family is quite large. I haven’t seen them since I divorced my ex. Of course to his family, I was the reason for the divorce.
I feel like I would be walking into an ambush by going alone. None of my family, or friends will be at the wedding. I would be isolated. (Which is the way her father treated me during our marriage).
My daughter resents me for divorcing her father.
I DO realize that it is HER day.
I have been there for my daughter. Helped her in any way I could. Always trying to make up to her for her feelings of resentment.
This time, I really don’t know what to do. Our relationship isn’t close because she wishes it that way. I don’t want added resentment toward me for not going to her wedding. I also don’t want to be a target for her resentment or any humiliation and embarrassment.
There is also the reception. The dances. Do I sit at a table alone, keep my mouth shut and watch???

Please let me know what you think….

Thank you in advance.
Just found out, the wedding will not be held at her fathers house. It will be held in a public place. And yes, my ex’s wife will be there.

12 Responses to “Help with daughters wedding. Need your opinions please!?”

  1. Britt says:

    Your daughter sounds like a total brat. Go to the wedding, congratulate, then leave. No need to go to the reception, if she refuses to let you have anyone to talk to.

  2. Iron_Nik says:

    That is a very hard situation I almost feel like you should just write this down and give it to your daughter to read but keep out the part about your relationship being strained because she wishes it that way part. I say write it out because when talking things can get heated and sometimes points are lost. Perhaps she is just not seeing things the way you are. To say you wouldn’t go without your husband would probably be fuel for a fire just remind her that you are married. If it comes down to it and you go alone then maybe just cut the reception short for yourself. It sounds like a tough situation I’m sorry anyone has to go through something like this because family is a blessing and sometimes we overlook it.

  3. LytraGeek says:

    It sounds to me like you need to have a big chat with her, because it doesn’t sound as though she’s accepted your divorce. Tell her how you feel (what you wrote above) and ask her why, if she has done it on purpose. Maybe ask her straight out about her acceptance of your divorce. Does she know why she feels like she does?
    You’re in a tough position, I know. Maybe go for the main parts of the wedding? Explain to your daughter why you don’t want to go, but also tell her why you do want to.
    I hope things work out for you Hun.
    Xx

  4. UMMM Ok says:

    Don’t even think about not going to your daughters wedding because of this..it is only one day you have to deal with this and its for your child..and like you said it its her day just keep that in mind…if u don’t want to be alone then maybe invite a girlfriend of yours that she wouldn’t mind u bringing…I understand your feelings and how awkward this will be but I’m pretty sure you’ve faced worse situations in your life and got over them

  5. Paula12481632 says:

    Bluntly, I wouldn’t go without my husband. Don’t argue, don’t whine, just lay down the law: if he can’t come, I’m not going.

    It is a serious slap in the face to not invite him, or not invite spouses in general. Especially since you’ll be alone amongst your ex’s family.

    It is possible for exes and new spouses to be in the same room on a wedding day. I’ve seen it with my own parents.

  6. fizzy stuff says:

    I don’t think there’s one right answer. You could attend the wedding only and skip the reception. This would allow you to keep some level of communication going with your daughter. Who knows maybe one day in the future she will chAnge her attitude and things between you two will improve. There are few things more regrettable in life than pArent and child who don’t speak. However you cannot waste your time simply hoping.

    On the other hand no one could blame you for not attending. A married couple is always invited in pairs, they are a unit. By attending alone you send the message that you can be bullied by them. By not attending you are saying that you respect yourself and your husband.

    I’m sure I haven’t said anything revelatory or earth shattering in my answer. Just saying that this could go either way only you can follow your heart.

  7. faith burke says:

    Im so sorry
    i have to say this yes it is her day &her wedding BUT! In a way its your day to
    you have raised her took care of her &waited for this day just as long as she has
    She isnt being very attentive to your feelings
    I understand you love her &i understand why she may be doing this since its his house &may want to avoid aquardness
    but doesnt she know that your going to be the odd one out? you really need to tell her how you feel
    Heck if you helped with $ id pull that card lol jk
    I wish you the best

  8. Tinker balla says:

    Is her Dad paying for the wedding? If he’s funding it, then he gets to call the shots. That may be part of the problem, and if your daughter isn’t paying then it doesn’t really matter what she wants for you, whoever pays gets to make the final call on pretty much everything.

    You need to respect that she does not want her stepdad there, even though she is probably wrong for treating you both this way. Is there someone else you could bring, a friend or a sister? As your daughter nicely if you can bring one guest, someone who she can approve beforehand. Tell her you want to respect her wishes, but you also don’t want to be totally alone without anyone to talk to. Tell her you just want everything to go smoothly and peacefully and for everyone to have a good time.

    If she says yes, then good. If she says no, then I think she is intentionally trying to make you not attend.

    Yes your daughter is being kind of a brat, but there isn’t much you can do about it at this point. If she really won’t let you bring anyone at all, go to the ceremony but not the reception.

  9. nova_queen_28 says:

    Honestly, your daughter is DEAD WRONG and ought to have been raised to have more respect for you and your husband. Like the situation or not, you have a husband and just basic etiquette states that married couples are to be invited to a wedding together.

    ONLY because this is your daughter, I think you should attend the ceremony and leave. If she asks why tell her because of how she has disrespected you and your husband. At least you will have seen her take her vows and won’t be forced to have a great deal of contact with people during the ceremony.

  10. HIS! says:

    Your daughter is totally wrong to invite one part of a married couple and not the other.

    You have every right to ask her this. “If [husband] isn’t invited, then I’m assuming [dad’s new wife] isn’t invited as well?” If she says, of course she’s coming, then simply reply with “Then I’ll bring [husband] as well. We’ll see you there.”

    If she balks and throws a fit, simply hang up the phone. I wouldn’t dare walk into a situation like you’re describing. It obvious the dad has influenced your daughter into thinking his controlling and abuse is normal. And for that, I feel sad for you. But right now, you have to protect yourself.

  11. Because I Said So says:

    it really sucks that a 27 year old would act this way. how childish. hopefully you can appeal to her sensibility if she has any and ask her to see it from your POV. it’s rude to invite any guest without their spouse, if for no other reason than it’s boring to sit alone during the reception. after dinner it would be awkward for you. in the end you have to go because like you said, it’s about her and you don’t want to miss out on what may be her only wedding.

  12. saneyaya says:

    That is a horrible way for your daughter to treat you. I would not go to the wedding, and just invite the newlyweds to dinner at a restaurant, with my husband of course, at a later date. Going to the wedding is futile for you. Your daughter will have the option of refusing your invitation or not showing up, but you and your husband can still enjoy a meal, which is why I recommend a restaurant instead of inviting them to your home.
    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

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