does my husband have a problem? (sex/porn question)?

June 30th, 2011

This goes way back to before my husband and I were married….it actually stems from a high school boyfriend. So I will start at the begining. When I was 17, I was in a relationship for 2 years. My boyfriend had BOXES of porn, as well as a cabinet full of porn. One day, we were messing around in his bed and his pillow got moved out of the way and there was a porn mag under his pillow. I was so hurt, my boyfriend had been looking at porn right before we started messing around. I made him throw his porn in the wood stove and ever since then, I haven’t been okay with it. I think it’s cheating.
When I first started dating my husband, I asked him how he felt about porn, and I told him how I felt about it. I told him the whole story and how it makes me feel degrating and dirty. He told me not to worry because he doesn’t like it anyways, he said it’s not real and he thinks it’s just boring. Welllll…a couple years and wedding vows later, I found out he lied to me.
I have been catching him looking at porn a lot lately. Not like every day or anything but about twice a month. It bothers me so much, it brings me to tears. Every time, I cry and tell him it hurts me and I feel like he’s cheating and he promises he wont look at it anymore, but then I will catch him again.
I haven’t been feeling well lately (there’s a nasty cold virus going around) so I haven’t felt much like getting busy, but Tuesday night I did, for my husband. This morning (about 5 a.m.), he woke me up and wanted to have sex again and I told him I didn’t feel up to it, I just wanted to sleep. He got all pissed at me and stomped out of the room. I felt bad so I was going to go out to the living room and apologize and initiate sex with him, but instead I caught him looking at porn.
Of course, like I always do, I started crying and he told me he couldn’t help it…he gets horny and there’s nothing he can do. But it hasn’t even been 36 hours since we had sex last?! Why is he like this? It’s bad enough that our relationship started on a lie about porn, but now it seems like I can’t have sex with him enough and when I don’t he looks at porn, even though he knows how it makes me feel. It’s becoming more of a principle thing now, he knows how much it hurts me, he knows it makes me cry, but he will NOT stop looking at it.
What is going on?? 🙁
Did you miss the part where I said HE LIED TO ME. I made the fact that I don’t like porn well known in the beginning of our relationship. I know there are men out there who feel the same way I do, and I was under the impression that he was one of them.
Simpleton- I don’t know if you are married, but if you are, i feel bad for your wife! You actually helped me a lot, because compared to a DOG like you, my husband is a saint. There is more to life than sex, and I feel bad for you that you don’t see that. You are a sick person, and I see that my husband doesn’t have a problem, but I think you on the other hand, do!
There is no excuse for him lying to me about it. I brought it up because it was important to me. If he liked porn so much, all he had to do was tell me. I probably wouldn’t have married him, but at least he would know. He could go find his woman who likes porn as well, and I could have a man who feels the same way I do, because I KNOW there are some out there. I am not trying to change him, I’m simply wanting the man he PRETENDED to be. I feel like he tricked me into marrying him.

13 Responses to “does my husband have a problem? (sex/porn question)?”

  1. ablex says:

    What’s going on is you having an unreasonable objection to porn which you carried over from your first relationship to your relationship with your husband.
    His porn use is almost certainly normal and healthy. You might want to talk to a therapist if you can’t accept it.

  2. Your Mamma says:

    What is the difference between your husband masturbating to a fantasy he makes-up in his head and porn? Do you think when guys masturbate it is simply a lubricant + a penis and off we go? Well its not. Men need a visual image / fantasy and porn is the easy method (especially for those guys who don’t have very good imaginations). However, men also create these fantasies in our heads and I can guarantee you would find them worse than porn (you just have no evidence and your guy will not share it with you). He can think about your mother, your sister, hell..his mother / sister, the hot girl at the grocery store / video store, a boss etc.

    Yes I understand he lied because men know that most women are uptight. Men see this as one of those white lies (just like telling you…you aren’t fat when you might be carrying some extra weight). Why? Because looking at porn doesn’t physically harm you in any way. The emotional baggage we simply can’t relate to because most men find it stupid. We think it is one of those “girl” things that as long as we keep it on the down low..no harm no foul.

  3. Bufferfly says:

    It sounds like your husband has a healthy relationship with porn. You said it happens like twice a month. Men get horny and if the wife isn’t willing to take care of it then they will look at porn to help themselves along. (He’s not out having sex with other women!) I have no problem with my husband looking at porn as long as its not on the family pc or anything like that. I’ll even tell him when I don’t feel like it to take a mag in the bathroom. My husband would have sex with me 3 or 4 times a day if we could get away with it… lol. Men’s sex drives are totally different than ours. I understand how porn makes you feel because of what happened in your first relationship (BTW that guy did not have a healthy relationship with porn! That is way to much porn for one person to possess.) You need to understand that your husbands level of porn and that guys are totally different and you are putting unrealalistic expectations on your husband because of what happened in another relationship which is not fair. I think you should talk to someone else (like a therapist) about your problem and work out a compromise with your husband. I think twice a month is a perfectly acceptable amount of time to look at porn.

    Maybe he didn’t lie to you. However, because you made such a big deal about it porn became the pandora in the box thing. Maybe he thought you weren’t serious. Perhaps he figured that guy had boxes and boxes of porn and I only have two magazines.

  4. Navarra says:

    Male hormones , always win over the male mind , if he ‘can’t help it’ then get some help , get marriage guidance see what they say.

  5. maharaja379 says:

    probably yes

  6. Simpleton44 says:

    I feel sorry for your husband.

    Simply because you feel something does NOT make it real.

    You are foolish if you think getting rid of porn will change his thinking. Men see every woman sexually. Your best friend is probably in every one of your man’s threesome fantasies… and yes, he has threesome fantasies.

    You either accept that men like wild and kinky sex or stay single. It’s simply how men are.

    Trust me, you can be replaced with a woman who loves porn. I know many women who enjoy it.

    BTW… 36 hours is a long time to go without sex for a man. Most men masturbate daily. Within 12 hours, most men are more than ready for sex. It’s like peeing. An actual fluid build-up occurs and causes a man to feel the need to release. By the time you hit 48 hours without orgasm, most men are walking hard-ons… the need for sex is starting to consume more and more of their mental time.

    By the time you hit 72 hours, your man is struggling not to lust after every woman he sees(as long as they aren’t ugly).

    Sex for men is much different than it is for women. It happens TO us… it’s not something that requires half a million things to go right. We could go to a funeral and be aroused if we haven’t had sex in a day or two.

    Trust me, men are as frustrated with this as you are. We don’t especially like that nagging feeling ALL the time and there is pretty much nothing we can do about it. It’s not like we have a dial hidden on our body.

    Have you ever gone on a diet and the hunger was so strong you couldn’t even watch tv? Now imagine your sex drive was like this 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. That’s what most men experience.

    I heard it said by a Christian counselor… a female no less… that mens sex drives are about 20 times higher than a womans. That means that the sex drive you have after 20 days is what we experience in 1 day. 3 days is like you going without sex for 60 days.

    I don’t think you are serious about this porn thing anyway. If you were, you would be doing what it takes to keep this from happening.

    Your man has a normal sex drive for men. This means that he pretty much needs to have sex every day. If you want him to succeed at avoiding porn, you will have to have more sex. If you don’t then stop acting like this is important. I can always tell if someone truly wants something… they are willing to do what it takes to get it.

    Your need for no porn doesn’t hold a candle to a man’s sex drive. NOTHING you can say will make a dent in his sex drive. That is as absurd as taking a long trip and having your man ‘convince’ you that you don’t need to pee. You have to pee when you have to pee… If that is every hour, then it’s every hour. I can’t ‘talk’ you into making your body not have to pee.

    So, either SHOW your man you don’t want porn around or this will be another one of those demands women make that are nothing more than a ‘I have a vagina so I get what I want’ issues.

    Your man can find a new woman who actually likes porn with very little effort. I would try to NOT make this a fight and look for creative solutions that are a win-win.

  7. Shonali says:

    It is natural dear!! if u didn’t fulfill his sex desires he will definitely do that again and again!!! so u should be careful..give him as much as he wants..thats the only solution…love him, make him mad by your love!!!do something exciting for him he will get happy and also he will try to keep you happy and if u cares for his feeling he will surely care for ur feelings!!!! ALL THE BESTS!!!

  8. clontarf1002 says:

    Men look at porn when they are not getting the quality or quantity of sex that they need.

  9. bootsontheroad says:

    You are the one with the problem. Suggest you seek professional help.

  10. Al Rozz says:

    He’s childish and needs to grow up and snap out of the fantasy world he is in and jump into reality.

    I have a friend of mine that had the same problem and he wanted his wife to do a threesome. With little respect she agreed and when he saw what happened next, he got his clothes on and stomped out the house and left her there and came over to my house. I asked him why on God green earth would you allow another man to do your wife and he said that he thought that is what she wanted since she would not have sex with him and he was wrong.

    She did it to please him becasue he wanted her to do that. What’s wrong with this situation? Think about it and you will find the answer to your problem.

  11. Amber says:

    Well if porn is cheating, what about masturbation by itself? Or fantasizing while masturbating? Where do you actually draw the line? Do you get yourself off when he’s busy? How would he feel? Porn is generally just a way to deal with the hornies. My guy can have steamy sex with me at 10pm and be wankin to porn at 7am cuz he doesn’t wanna wake me up for sex. Its all good. I think he lied cuz you scared him. He’s not gonna stop, and its not that the sex with you isn’t good, he just needs off more than you.

  12. Lordpercy Wooster says:

    so same complaint as always, men are visual and like visual things
    women Are not so porn doesn’t appeal to them,
    so instead of accepting men and women are different you insist that the female view is correct and men’s preferences have no value
    yet another female sexist
    of course he lied to you, look at the fuss you make, what else would you expect
    36 hours since sex!!!!!!!
    yet another female view, 2 to 6 hours is a long time for men
    yet again you expect men to be women
    you CHOOSE not to have give HIM sex enough, so he relives the pressure else where and you wont even allow him to do this, why because your not horny he isn’t allowed to be

    yet again a male cant be a male in your world he had to feel like a woman
    you are so sexist

    you are totally unreasonable sexist

  13. Optimist says:

    It’s all your fault.

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