2 months to my wedding and I’m super unhappy.?

July 4th, 2011

My fiance and I have been together for 19 months, and engaged for 8. Ever since we got engaged, we’ve had much more conflict. I’ve read about this and I know it’s normal to have more tension during engagement, so I didn’t think of ton of it. We’ve had premarital counseling as well as couples counseling, and we have been trying to follow their guidance and read what they’ve given us to read. But I haven’t felt emotionally connected to him for awhile now. I feel like he proposed because he’s madly in love with me, but I know that I accepted because it felt like the appropriate time. I love him very much, and I do want to be with him, but I feel trapped at the same time.

We both just graduated from college, and we moved to Madison from Chicago. He got a job here, and loves what he does. I found a job that’s good enough, and I’m trying to be here with him…trying to support him, but I hate it here. I feel like I’m making too many sacrifices and not being true to myself in order to make this potential marriage work. I wanted to get a masters in a certain topic, and Chicago had great schools for that. I wanted to travel more (my field kind of demands it), but because I love him, I moved to Madison. The UW is here, and it has a masters program that’s still interesting, but not what I originally wanted. I have a nice job, but it wasn’t what I wanted to do. He gets to live here (he loves it here) and do what he loves…and I must admit that I feel incredibly resentful. I’ve thought of leaving many times…but I do still love him. But I’m just so unhappy with our relationship and with our life right now. We fight a lot still…and we engage in physical intimacy (even though it sucks) that we were trying to save for marriage (we’re old fashioned) just because we need to connect somehow and it’s not happening emotionally.

I’m just tired. I hate Madison, I hate wedding planning, and I hate who I’ve become since all these changes took place. i just want to pack up and go back to Chicago and eventually Spain again. Any advice or insight?

13 Responses to “2 months to my wedding and I’m super unhappy.?”

  1. Blazzzzin says:

    Get out! If your not happy now you will never be. Then think about all the drama you will have to go through with a divorce. RUN!

  2. Miss Havok says:

    I would post pone or put off your wedding while you still have time. Getting married never fixes these problems, only makes it worse. The feeling of resentment is like a poison and can shade almost any and every interaction you have with him from now on. It is normal to fight a little bit more during the engagement/wedding planning because of the added stress, and that’s what happened to me and my husband before we got married. But I never wanted to get out, was still looking forward to it. I would work on your relationship first before committing if you aren’t sure.

  3. andrea says:

    you love him, but you dont love what you are, are where you are esp what you going into. put it like this. you need to talk to him just like how you write it and submit it to the public. communication is the basic thing in a relationship. so talk to him. i am not telling you not to married to him or go ahead with the marriage. its your decision. i would not want you to be unhappy even thou i dont no u. but being unhappy is not a good thing it cause your beauty to change, pressure to go up etc. but as i can see you r not happy so i would not allow you to make that decision. as for the arguement thing. thats natural. good luck.

  4. Rage Girl says:

    All I’m going to say is this: Understand that marriage is sacrifice on both your parts, not just yours. If you feel like you’re giving too much up of yourself to make it work, then I think you already know what you have to do. You have to call off the wedding. You can NOT convince yourself that you’re going to be married and happy with yourself. That feeling of being trapped and that you weren’t ready to get married will only get worse; it rarely gets better for most people.

    You felt obligated to marry him, I get that, but you shouldn’t have said yes. You should have been honest with him in saying that there was so much more that you wanted to do before settling down. And you need to have this conversation with him tonight, or like, NOW. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt and worsen. Call off the wedding and get married when YOU’RE ready, not because you think it’s something that should do.

  5. Debbie says:

    Sounds to me like you got engaged WAY too soon, and you need to break it off. If you are THIS unhappy now, what’s it going to be like after a year or two of marriage? You got engaged after only knowing each other 11 months after all. Better a broken engagement than a divorce.

  6. PharmNerd says:

    I agree that postponing your wedding is a good idea. Your relationship is pretty new and adding an engagement and marriage to it can break it. Marriage is hard work and if you are feeling conflicted now it is best to sit your fiance down and explain to him how you are feeling. If he is truly the one for you then he will understand and you guys can try and make this work. Good Luck!

  7. Jenny Lynne says:

    You have to have a serious talk with your fiance—you are this unhappy and resentful now–will not get any better. Best to cancel now, no need in a messy divorce that can be avoided. To give an honest answer, look at the things you list one by one that you are giving up—-you list many and in detail—-so you are really answering your own question (saying nicely) you know the answer, you just need that added push to make a giant step that you know you must, must make. Life is too short and if this relationship is meant to be, it will. Does he even have a clue as to how deeply/strongly you feel. Having premarital and couples counseling and still conflict and tension and having to read as to how to have a relationship—this is not a relationship, this is something that you are trying to piece together and is not, not working. Talk with him, he will try to talk you out of it, for the sheer sake of not looking like he is “left at the altar”, but in this situation, you are deeply, deeply unhappy and must take care of yourself, no. 1 for a change. You will only end up more bitter, angry, resentful and eventually end up hating him. A clean break NOW.

  8. Belle says:

    postpone the wedding for now, just until you both know that you are what each other wants. I have a friend that rushed in to marriage, (a few weeks after they wed, she said she wished she hadn’t) she has been married for about 6 months and she just told me that she and her husband are thinking about splitting up. Good luck

  9. seamstress says:

    It is painfully obvious that you are just not ready to get married. You see, you really did rush into this engagement. You set aside your goals and your lifestyle for this engagement and now the marriage. I do believe you rushed into all of this and now you are feeling the consequences.

    Please take some more time before getting married. You agreed to spend the rest of your life, what, some 65 years, with a boy you only knew for 11 months. That is nuts

    You know what to do, you just have to have the guts to do it.

  10. iloveweddings says:

    Hailey,

    I think you know deep down in your heart what to do. You need to end it. Take it from a person (who at a very, very young age of 20) left her family and everything she knew (the big city life) to be with my (now) husband in a small town. We are still married but it has NOT been easy. I cannot stress that enough. I gave up so much and it put me into such a depression that it almost killed me. I read once that when one person in a marriage gives up so much that it will never work. This is true. Had I only known then…..

    You have too many negatives going for you and you don’t sound all that enthused with your fiance. You are intimate (but it sucks?). Ummmm….not good.

    You need to be true to yourself and then, in time, you will find the right man to marry and you will not have to sacrifice your schooling; travel, etc.

    Good luck to you.

  11. Eric says:

    Wait…I think you still have a chance to save your relationship..
    The thing is how you & your fiance handle the situation.
    Use this proven method in my recommended link below.
    Hope you & your fiance will get something from this resource.

  12. diamondcollector says:

    have you given your new life a chance?

    have you lived in chicago your whole life? a lot of people not used to moving, go running back without giving the new place a chance. make friends, put down roots…

    i say this because i never intended to stay in houston. i came here by accident, and got a job because i had to, was making plans to leave to go somewhere exciting (alaska -i thought), and somehow met a man, got married and bought a house. the marriage dissolved, but i am in a career i am extremely happy in and a lovely home of my own. i put down roots when i didn’t mean to.

    do you love him enough to bloom where you are planted?

    i also agree with seamstress. you hooked up with a man you only knew a few months.

    try to separate homesickness with whatever else is going on.

    i personally would shoot myself if i ever had to move to dallas (just kidding) , so do you hate madison as much as i hate dallas?

  13. BloopieBlooper says:

    Well at first I was going to say maybe you two can work on a compromise. But then you mentioned going to Spain again as well. What is it that you want? It sounds like maybe you don’t want to be married or make any compromises at all. Why can’t you talk to him about a temporary long distance thing while you go to grad school? Or take turns. You support him for awhile building his career, then in a couple years he moves with you so you can finish school. But then you throw in spain…how do you expect that to work? What about another **compromise** where you go there for a month or for a vacation or a short term study abroad thing for one quarter.

    Honestly t sounds like you dont want a compromise. You just want to be free to do what you want
    and need to do right now and you don’t sound like you are all that into getting married. That is perfectly fine. Just be honest with yourself and him. Maybe you are not quite ready for marriage yet. Or maybe you didn’t see the possible compromises. There are some. The question is if you and him are willing to make them. That is marriage. If you are not ready to compromise and not be happy every minute of your marriage (this goes for him as well) then maybe you are not ready to get married. Time for you and him to have a discussion.

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