Help! I’m getting married and I don’t want to have sex!?

April 16th, 2010

Well, that sure could use some explaining…

So it’s like this: I’m 21, and I’m planning my wedding. My fiance’s the most incredible guy on the face of the planet, and I adore him.

There’s just one problem: I cannot even think about having sex with him. The minute my thoughts wander there, I immediately “change the subject”.

Allow me to back up a bit. Andrei and I first met when we were 8 years old, playing at each other’s houses when our moms came over to talk…then we developed secret crushes on each other when we were teenagers and had become best friends…then we fell headlong in love with each other as young adults. We were each other’s first (and last!) loves, and never had eyes for anyone else. A few months ago (about a year after we started dating) Andrei surprised me with a beautiful wooden box he made himself containing a gorgeous diamond ring, and asked me to share his life with him. Naturally I said yes. (Actually it was more like YESYESYES!!!…)

I think a brief description of my fiance is in order. Andrei is tall, lean, 20 years old, handsome in a boy-next-door sort of way. Thick dark hair and twinkly blue eyes, you know. He, like me, is the firstborn in a conservative family and raised accordingly. A terrific big brother and role model, and responsible beyond his years. He’s a student in college now, an English major. He likes all the ame things I do: reading epic literature and good poets, going for long hikes when it’s windy and wild out, mind-challenging board games, poking around in dusty antique stores, traveling, exploring, snowboarding, and working with his hands; but his two greatest loves are music and writing. He’s an accomplished pianist and composer, but he also loves simply listening to new music all the time. He’s obsessed with writing in all its forms, and he’s GOOD at it. He’ll be an author someday, I’m surprised he’s not one already.

Having said that, it shouldn’t surprise you to hear he’s something like the Quintessential Hopeless Romantic. I have a box full of letters that would make most girls scream with jealousy. Andrei’s never at a loss for what to get me on special occasions, either…a few examples would be the handmade jewelry, the wax-sealed valentines, the leather scrapbook with pictures of us, the song he wrote, composed, performed and sung just for me…you get the idea. He’s basically Creativity embodied. (Oh yes–and he’s making our wedding bands.)

Now this is where it gets complicated. He and I are both virgins, and believe in waiting for marriage. We’ve never spoken about sex. Not because of some rule or anything–it’s just never come up, and neither of us is an any hurry to bring it up, you might say. Mind you, we talk all the time — probably about 6 hours a week of good, solid conversation. We’ve got fantastic communication…about everything else. We’ve even discussed having children (we both want ’em, and lots of ’em) — but never the process whereby you obtain children…!

The thing is, he’s a perfect gentleman in every regard. He’s protective and chivalrous around me without being remotely sexist…he will tell you in no uncertain terms that he considers me his superior in almost everything. (I say he’s wrong, but anyway…) He is the one person who understands me the best, and who I trust the most. So it’s not that I’m the least bit afraid of him when it comes to thinking about sex. And don’t think for a minute that the problem is I’m just not attracted to him in *that* way…I am! I think he’s sexy as hell! For me, the happiest place in the world is in his arms. He’s always kissing my cheek, hand, forehead, hair, etc… rubbing my back, stroking my face, putting his foot on mine under the table… Our very first kiss (note: this was not only ‘our’ first kiss, but also my/his first kiss — no prior relationships, remember??) started out as a gentle, experimental touch on the lips and quickly escalated to fast and furious with lots of tongue in about 6 seconds flat. (When we finally pulled away, we just stared at each other, like “whoa, what just happened?!” Pretty funny actually.) So apparently we’ve got great chemistry and all…but…

I just can’t stand the idea of having sex!!! It’s like…well for one, I can’t imagine that a guy wouldn’t be grossed out (or at least weirded out) at seeing his girl all awkwardly splayed out on a bed with her legs in the air, after only ever thinking of her, for years, looking pretty and sweet in cute outfits and such…I mean…ewwwww. I just cringe at the thought. In a way I almost feel like it’d be easier (or at least less embarrassing) having sex with a complete stranger! Kind of like how it’s not a big deal to have a doctor see you naked? And I can’t help but feel like, once we “do it”, that he’ll never see me/think of me the same…like we’ll lose something from our relationship. I guess it’s just kind of hard to envision what it will be like, after years without knowing what we look

50 Responses to “Help! I’m getting married and I don’t want to have sex!?”

  1. hairhorn says:

    Why don’t you try it before you knock it?

    You can either get used to the idea, or get ready to accept either a divorce or your husband having a girlfriend…

  2. melkg says:

    you are not ready…you just need to be up front and honest about it..tell him you are not ready

  3. Doctor Deth says:

    why are you getting married then. I guarantee you won;t stay married if you don’t have sex. where did you grow up, in a cave?

  4. scifichic200 says:

    just do it you will LOVE it. ORGASMS ARE GREAT!!!!!!!

  5. Fedor400 says:

    what the hell is wrong with you?
    seing someone naked that you love is one of the best things in the world.

  6. Rizla The Cat UK says:

    You can’t get wed and not have a bunk up with your husband, your marriage wouldn’t be consumnated. Sex is essential in marriage and if you don’t want to do it, then don’t get wed.

  7. Kall Me Kate says:

    You’ve got something most people don’t have. Don’t worry about it. Go with the flow. Maybe you guys won’t have sex, but it will happen eventually. I think you may be pleasantly surprised. To me, it seems kind of awkward and undignified as far as human experiences go, but there has to be a reason the general population is crazy about it.

  8. Odwin Oddball says:

    And this would be one of the many reasons why this concept of “saving yourself” is so outdated and silly.

    But you’ve done it, so now you have to deal with it.

    Sex seems strange to you because you’ve never experienced it, and frankly it sounds like you’ve never been educated about it in the slightest.

    Treat it like any other new experience. Undoubtedly you will find you actually enjoy it once it happens.

  9. jfamethyst66 says:

    no offense but i think you should see a therapist before you do anything else. it sounds like you have some deep-seeded issues not to mention your apparent tendency to ramble. if you really want people to take your question seriously, make your point quickly, no one wants to read a book at YA.

  10. ms.princess says:

    I think you are very immature and should wait to get married. How can you not want to have sex with your husband? Your whole logic behind it is very childish and makes no sense. He is not going to care about how you look, this is gonna be special for both of you. You sound like a 13 year old girl who thinks sex is gross.

  11. caldude1010101 says:

    I guarantee his expectactions on the wedding night and for your marriage are 180 degrees opposite of yours when it comes to sex.

    Your marriage won’t last 1 week (and probably won’t make it past your wedding night) unless your attitude changes.

    Either hold off and don’t get married, or just plan on it being an intergral part of your marriage and put out regularly.

    And if he isn’t getting you off once you start, then you both might need some “training.” That is where porn comes in handy.

  12. april T says:

    You need to try to have some passionate times. You don’t have to have sex. You need to let him get to 3rd base. You need some foreplay. You don’t have to go all of the way. You need to get your self to where you want it. Plus if you have some foreplay, he will make you more comfortable for when the times comes. Let him know you are nervous. Men are wired differently than us women. He won’t care what you look like.

  13. Logikal says:

    If your not ready your not.. but its unavoidable for the most part. If you are getting married, you should be prepared to have sex or that marriage is definitely not going to turn out so great for yourself. He may not say anything now but I would bet he has thought about it and if you get married and still will not have sex…… the marriage will not last long… except extreme circumstances.

    Its a normal thing since the first day humans were created so I don’t understand what you are so weirded out about?

    You will have sex in your lifetime – face it. In a good way 🙂

  14. Mrs. S says:

    In all honesty… every girl is grossed out by the thought of it before actually experiencing it. It is beautiful and if he loves you like you say he does, your legs won’t be “splayed in the air”.. thats more porn than how it really is, especially at first. You will be fine and so will he. It actually will ADD to your relationship rather than take away and you both will fall deeper in love with each other. If you don’t believe me, then how about the trillions of women before me who’ve done it and realized it aint no big thing?

  15. JM says:

    when you have a true love, sex isn’t gross, it’s beautiful. it’s not about seeing someone sprawled naked on a bed, it’s about embracing your true love and sharing such a deep connection. i’m sure the only reason he would look at you any different is because your connection has become that much stronger. you’re talking about sharing your virginity with the true love of your life. it’s beautiful and romantic!

  16. Katie says:

    wow- that was waaaaay too long.but don’t be afraid of sex. As long as it’s with the man you love he won’t think anything bad of you and you will probably actually enjoy it after the first few times! Don’t have sex with a stranger that’s gross. Having sex with your man brings you closer to him in a lot of different ways. Your bond with him will be a LOT stronger, and you will feel closer! He is going to be your husband- sex has to come sooner or later. Maybe ask him how he feels about it? You seem to have a great guy- no pressuring from him, and that’s really good. I would maybe just bring up the conversation, and see what he thinks about it. If you have GREAT communication already, then that should be a part of your conversations- at least once to know where he stands on the subject…

  17. Imaka says:

    I would have to say that yours is a rather unusual relationship. There are a few discrepancies in your story – such as the feelings around your first kiss, but no desire to have sex. The two do not compute. I would say if he feels the same as you, then you are both odd, but will be fine. If he doesn’t, you need to either get counseling or think again about marrying him.

  18. Cripz & Chips ツ says:

    You might not be ready having sex, that doesn’t make you a good person. But you need think about this good as you said earlier you want children how can you create a human being without sex? Its okay to have a bad opinon of sex. The moment will come, not trying to be a pervert or anything. This entire point means you are nervous about this marriage and the sex part of you’re life. Don’t worry this guy is going to love you all the way.

    Good luck ! 🙂 and Have a Great Wedding You Love Birds !

  19. Deans says:

    I know you’re under age, and I’d never usually recommend this, but…Y’all (or at least you) should have some wine before your wedding night.

    And if you’re so close, TALK to him about it.

  20. pink_flavored_nerds says:

    DO HIM NOW! Do him now before you get married, especially since it doesn’t sound like it’s a bunch of religious-y, spiritual, moral reasons why you’re not “bumpin’ uglies”. An important aspect of marriage is to be confident with one another, to be yourselves, and to be completely comfortable with each other. I hate to say it but sex is a very important part of any relationship, including marriage. You’ll get over the wierdness/awkwardness/grossness of it all and realize how beautiful it really is. It’ll be just like your first kiss, and you’ll both talk about it later at how awkward and funny the whole thing was. But I suggest to take the dive and do it now. Get it over with before your worries and wonders consume you. That might ruin your relationship more than the actual act. Good luck! 🙂

  21. nic says:

    oh my goodness girl having sex will make your bond stronger and more Intimate and while having sex its not an awkward thing…well the first time is but its sexy and hott you should deff get over your fear and do it and the first time may not be wonderful but let me tell you after that its amazing and since you are both virgins you wont have anyone to compare him to so you cant think hes bad…DO IT you wont regret it i promise

  22. Kristy says:

    I would ask if you are Amish but the Amish do not have computers… I suggest you discuss this with your future husband. If he is okay with a sexless marriage, then you’ll be fine. If he expects some nooky, you will have to be okay with him having a mistress. If he can’t get what he wants/needs from you, he will get it somewhere else. That’s not fair to him if you don’t express your concerns to him before you make a lifelong committment to each other.

    Good luck!

  23. lyssღ says:

    If you have never even “talked” about sex , i dont understand how you two could be so close. you shouldnt be embarrassed, hes going to be your HUSBAND. he loves you, & trust me guys do love sex.. when he does it with you and it is his first time too, it wont change anything in a bad way… if you have such great chemistry i think youll love having sex. maybe try it out b4 you get married, i cnt imagine it any other way?

  24. Stu says:

    Once you get over your nervousness you won’t be able to get enough.
    I can however volunteer my services if you want to get that first time with a stranger thing taken care of.

  25. Hoppy says:

    I have no experience in this situation, but I think, since you have great communication, you should talk to him about it. Everything is there right? You think he’s “sexy as hell” and you obviously have something special. Who knows, maybe he feels the same way you do. I hope this helps. If you have any questions, email me, andI will try my hardest to answer them.

  26. A W says:

    Ha! I’m from Utah and what you’re describing is totally common with girls around there. My sister in-law’s mother refused to have sex on her wedding night. You just muddle through and pretty quickly, you don’t think of it that way. By the way, the guy will not see you in a gross, slutty, or awkward way. Biologically, humans feel closer after they have had sex, provided it is not anonymous/angry sex.

  27. mktmonitor says:

    Any woman who wants to stay married needs to have regular sex with her husband, if you don’t someone else will. No man on earth will stay with a woman who will not have sex with him, it is just the way the world works. My advise to you is if you don’t want to have sex never get married.

  28. ~*♥*~Ashley Star~*♥*~ says:

    Once you guys are married maybe start off by doing foreplay and get comfortable with that then work your way to sex. Tell him ur feelings. Guys hormones go crazier then a females does. So he may ask u several times about sex unless u tell him ur feelings first. Listen, I grew up conservatively etc etc. and I was afraid at first (waited to have sex till i was married) but you have to over come the fear and the ‘ewww’ u get from just imagining about it and go for it! Once ur married it’ll be fine cuz sex is meant for marriage there is nothing ‘gross’ bout it. Just be sure to use protection/birth control! 🙂 so u dont have babies that is anytime soon ^_^

  29. Mee says:

    It’s possible that you may be asexual (see link). I think you really need to evaluate who you are, and make sure to discuss this with your fiance before going into marriage. Trust me, he may not be happy about this or may need more time.

  30. Just Bored says:

    I see your point. But let me explain something, the “sex” you two will be having will be more like “making love”. The “sex” will come later, if that makes any sense. Making love is the beautiful, physical part of being in a relationship. There is no closer connection you two will have and if you truly are the ones for each other than making love will feel mesmerizing. Yes, it will be awkward at first and will hurt a bit as well but you are young adults, you should not feel ashamed by sex. All the silly problems you have with it will eventually go away if you are open to exploring each other in a way you haven’t yet. This is uncharted territory and you will have fun exploring it. Believe me hun, it is not as weird and gross as you think. Plus, he is a guy, I guarantee you he thinks differently about the topic but you would never know since you haven’t talked about it. You can’t get married and be this closed minded about a topic that is very important to you both if you want to have kids and be in a happy marriage. Sex is not everything but it is something in a relationship, and something key. Your man will see you naked and think you are more beautiful as he will see all of you truly and deeply. If this is true love and he is the “one” then please do yourself a favor and talk about it with him. You can’t avoid sex foerever , the sooner you deal with it the better. I hope you get to experience the magic with him as I have with my husband and I hope I wasn’t too corny. Good luck.

  31. SChi25 says:

    It’s normal to be nervous about having sex for the first time. It’s NOT normal to not want to have sex with the person you love. Simple as that. If you’re not mature enough to handle the amazing act sex is, then you shouldn’t be getting married because you don’t have the emotional maturity for everything it entails.

    Something’s not right, and you should figure out what it is soon, and you NEED to talk to him about it. You need to be able to talk to him about everything! You should hear the personal stuff my fiance and I talk about. That’s what being married is. If you can’t talk about this, that’s just another reason you shouldn’t be getting married.

  32. pppbbblllttt says:

    My opinion? You are not mature enough to get married. Sex is a very important part of marriage, and if you aren’t ready to do that with the most important love of your life, you aren’t ready for marriage. Period. End of story.

  33. coloradosnoflake2 says:

    if you have the chemistry it will come naturally. Don’t worry about your awful “visions”. Most newbies do it in the dark under the sheets anyhow. Having sex will not change how he sees you. He may see a different side of you, and will only enhance that beauty he sees now.
    You should open up the topic to him. Maybe he hasn’t brought it up because he isn’t sure how you feel. He could be feeling just as weird as you about it. Someone has to make the first move, might as well be you. Intercourse isn’t always about sex, there is such a thing a making love and it doesn’t have to be icky. It can be a very beautiful thing.

  34. Ram says:

    What are you getting married for?
    You can be friend as normal as after marriage if you doesnt want sex thats your problem what about him?

  35. Miss now Mrs. says:

    I agree with everyone else who says you shouldn’t get married to the guy if you don’t want to have sex with him…it’s a part of marriage! I think you two definitely need to talk about it. You say it has never come up. Well, I think you need to bring it up. He may be just as concerned as you are and for the same reasons.

    You two have been through so much I’m sure if you talked about it you would be able to make each other feel better and comfortable with the idea of seeing each other naked.

    And you’re right…he will think of you in a different way. Not in a bad way, but once again you will have shared a “first” and only in each other’s lives. You will get to know each other on the highest level of intimacy, one that you will never know with anyone else and should enjoy sharing with your husband.

    Good luck to you sweety! I think it’s time to sit down and talk things over with your fiance so he knows how you feel.

  36. Joseph P says:

    You are both young and sexually inexperienced. And that’s compounded by the fact that neither on of you ever attempted to talk
    about sex. You’re both frightened of it AND give all that you said,
    being frightened is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe that you and
    he should not worry about this. Get married. THE BEST PART OF BEING MARRIED IS HAVING A PERSON THERE TO SHARE 7 TRUST. Everything will work out. Good Luck.

  37. hopefully this is my month says:

    The good thing about your relationship is that you BOTH are virgins so no one can really disappoint each other or compare each other to their last partner. You guys will be able to learn with each other. Don’t over thank it…. you will frighten yourself to death. And trust me honey, as much as your fiance is a gentleMAN, he is still a MAN. I’m pretty sure he can’t wait to see you and love you in your birthday suit.Think about your love just being expressed in a physical way when you make love the first time. You guys will get used to each other that your bodies will start craving each other and call each other.

    Girl he loves you and trust me you guys will love each other in a whole other level once the physical is part of your lives.

    I wish you best of luck in your upcoming nuptials! Just RELAX and let it flow!!!

  38. Stargazer says:

    You are a good writer, very detailed. I enjoyed reading this. I feel the way you do with my husband – and we still got married. Sex in my early 20s used to be fun and then it got painful, and I grew afraid of it and haven’t wondered back yet. But I think you might find that once you do it, it will get more comfortable and you will enjoy it – and it’ll be good for your relationship.

  39. learning_to_live_616 says:

    Well this is definitely a problem, one you should discuss with him prior to your wedding and preferably as soon as possible. Seeing as you ARE attracted to him and you have no experience, I suspect the problem will resolve itself once you get married and try having sex. I can almost guarantee your man will not be repulsed by you and will instead very much like seeing you that way. You won’t lose anything in your relationship, sex increases intimacy, ESPECIALLY when it’s with the person you will spend the rest of your life with.

  40. truefirstedition says:

    If you want to have kids without involving a scientist and a lab, you have to have sex. Beyond that, sex is something that is wonderful to share with the person you love. There is an intimacy in being that vulnerable and close to someone that you can’t get from anything else.

    In a good relationship, sex is a healthy, important activity.

    Sex is not dirty, or shameful. You need to educate yourself so that you can feel comfortably with your own sexuality and sharing it with your husband.

    This site is a great place to get started:

  41. CRB says:

    Whoa! First, you need to calm down. Second, realize that you two won’t just be having sex, you will be making love. If you two are really that into each other then it is going to be a very romantic gesture. He isn’t going to think of you as being all “sprawled out” on the bed, he won’t even notice that as his face will be within inches from yours. Just think of it as a romantic experience. I guarantee that after the first time, you will have no doubts about sleeping with him again. Good Luck!

  42. loved 3-7-09 says:

    Making love to one you love is like poetry or a calming song. Stop making so much out of it your body needs what he has and it is not gross for a woman to lie in bed and waiting for her man its actually sexy. create a mood and take it slow there is nothing better than watching my man when he at his peak zone during sex that’s like a diffrent kind of emotion when its taking place.

  43. Shannon says:

    You need to discuss this with your fiance, and possibly a therapise/counselor. Sex is supposed to be natural human behavior, and usually after a person has sex with the person they love they don’t LOSE anything; if anything it brings the couple closer. (Kudos on waiting till marriage BTW!)

    Sex is not supposed to be some kind of turn-off. Talk to future hubby and, if you’re still not reassured by what he says, go see a counselor. You don’t want to freak out on honeymoon night! Think of your poor husband!

    Good luck!

  44. Anne says:

    Ok, honey. My husband and I were virgins when we got married. It sounds like perhaps in your upbringing the idea of abstinence was taught in a way that made you think that sex is dirty and wrong? You need to get past that thinking. Sex within marriage is a beautiful, amazing thing. Your fiance isn’t going to shocked and turned off by the image of your body sprawled awkwardly because he’s going to be right there with you just as sprawled and awkward. For me and my husband, sex is about both giving ourselves completely to each other in the way that will bring the other the most pleasure possible.

    If you will, go buy the book “Intended for Pleasure” by Ed Wheat. He’s a christian and a doctor and has written this great book that describes what God intended for sex from a practical standpoint of how to have sex for the first time to realizing that its a gift that He created for you and your husband to enjoy.

    It does take some getting used to–naked male and female anatomy can at times be comical and awkward, but it just adds to the intimacy of marriage. If you’re still having problems after you’re married I would really recommend some counseling. I think you can get past this, you just might need a little help. Be honest with your fiance! It takes a patient man to deal with a problem like this and he needs to know its coming and not be broad-sided with it on your wedding night.

    I had a friend that thought as you did and her husband was patient and they now have 3 amazing children. Hang in there!

  45. Natalie W says:

    Okay not to knock ur “no sex before marriage” but maybe u should give it a shot…What the worst that could happen? USE PROTECTION OF COURSE- I would have for u to get pregnant before the wedding!

  46. Ms.Kawana Ya'll♥ says:

    He sounds like the most amazing guy ever and If you don’t want him I do!

    jk jk I know that you think it might be weird, but honestly, God created Sex for marriage. And it’s beautiful. you will love it, and I’m sure he is anxious to show you his love in a physical way. Don’t freak out. Your first kiss actually sounds about the way it starts. I wish I could get my man to kiss me with that passion. Just take your blessing for what it is. There are women out there everyday that would die for a man like that. So Let him start it, if you get uncomfortable, then tell him,and you guys can pray about it and then you’ll maybe feel at ease.

    Trust me it doesn’t hurt, it isn’t gross. Just take it slow. There really is nothing gross about it, and he’ll probably fall even more in love with you and your body and that last aspect of you. He is probably going to see you as a beautiful human that he only wants to love even more. Don’t you think that he loves you all this much and everything that he would only want to kiss you everywhere? talk about it and let him know you are weird about it. It might be a good idea to talk to your pastor or something and have premarital counseling and this might be something you bring up and ask your husband there is he’ll see you any different! Good Luck and God Bless.

    Remember Sex is a beautiful thing and it says so in the bible and it is SUPOSSED to be for married people to come together in the closest way.

  47. timmy says:

    I agree, we don’t need to read a novel here to get the point.

    This is going to be a huge problem if you don’t want to have sex. At your ages you should be wanting it so bad!

    I think you should not get married and join a convent and enjoy a life of celibacy. Then send your fiancee over to me.

  48. Freckles Like Woah says:

    Know what? You don’t need to marry someone you can’t think fo making love to. And if your relationship is serious and strong enough to progress to a marriage, this topic should have come up a long time ago. No man, except Ru Paul is digisted by the sight of a woman, much less one he lvoes, ready to go.

  49. luciella says:

    Have you ever craved sex at all? If not, you may simply be asexual. Talk to your doctor.

  50. Garnet Glitter says:

    Time to take off the rosy star dust glasses and beam down from planet Pretty Fairytale Princess Land.

    If you cannot be part of the closest, most intimate expression of love between and ADULT man and ADULT woman that hopefully, brings both sexual enjoyment and children, then you are either very immature or have some serious psychological issues that need addressing by a professional. Whatever the problem, you are not ready for marriage and a healthy adult relationship with a husband. Period.

    He’s a man, Hon…pretty & cute is for baby dolls and teenagers. He wants a sexy woman and believe me, it’s only in your mind that he sees you as pretty and cute, he hasn’t thought of you as pretty & cute in that babyish way in years, certainly not since his testosterone kicked in’. Desirable is more like it…right now at his age he sees you as his future wife and that includes a bed partner, not a play date sandbox partner..

    So I strongly advise you to step out of The Romance Fantasy Land you’re in and have some professional premarital counseling sessions with and without your guy or you are in for a serious problem…and so is he. The embarrassment and awkwardness is normal….everyone goes thru it…it doesn’t last, believe me. Good luck.

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